IGNORANT POO

stuff.

2011-04-26T22:29:00.001+08:00

no words can describe how I've been feeling all these while. even talking to Min doesn't reveal my actual feelings, if i can't even explain how i feel then how can i ever speak to anyone about my real feelings?

I've been thinking.. do i really have a stinky character, I've been wondering.. all these while, what have I done/what have I not done to be where I am. Having Cassandra around for the two weeks in March steered me away a little, kept me happier a little.. knowing that I'll be heading to Seattle makes me happier a little.. but when all these fade away, when she returned back.. I was back to square one again.. cycles after cycles.. I got tired.. my heart got hardened towards God and those who claimed to be Christians.. Started having headaches.. falling sick very frequently.. almost thought I've got brain tumor..

Deep in my heart.. i just needed a miracle.. i just needed a breakthrough from above.. I was not ok, I was just suppressing everything within me..

Not till 22 April, keeping my promise to Amy that I'll be there for every presentation by Trinity (knowing one day, I'll be seated there watching THE presentation she directed!) God broke the walls built around my heart.. i broke into tears when I heard the message by Ps Sabrina, simple message on the love of God - His love saves, His love heals and His love transforms.. there and then, I told God, yes.. You did it all for me, no way I'm gonna throw away the good work You've started.. but I just didnt know what to do from then on...

but whatever it is... Im still trapped.. Im still in the cycle... Im bogged down by work, by my screwed up family and all the issues of my heart.. the only thing I'm looking forward is.. my own retreat this weekend...just me and God.. just me and me only.. (hopefully i dont get robbed and die there, i still wanna attend Amy's and Cassandra's wedding!)

One Thing

2011-02-13T20:46:00.001+08:00

and it was so clear today..

I will seek Your face
call upon Your name, Jesus
All i want is You..... JESUS..

You are God alone

2010-06-23T00:15:00.000+08:00

You are God alone from before time began
You are on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now, in the good times and bad
You are on Your throne,
You are God alone

Father...... You are on Your throne in good times and bad....

i need spam hugs right bout now.....

a million slashes.

2010-04-29T23:30:00.000+08:00

this is prolly the worst feeling I'm having right now. it feels the exact same way i felt two years back. only this time round... I cant drink to numb, i cant club to numb.. I can only face it as raw as it is. and worst of all, I know i'll totally get a hell of a scolding for getting myself into what i am going through right now.. ohmyword.. KEEEEL MEEE NAOOOOO

i miss this.

2010-04-25T00:43:00.002+08:00

the truth is, i've got so much pride that i refuse to acknowledge that i actually do miss this. damn.

qualified, maybe not.

2010-01-14T01:05:00.001+08:00

Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."

Sim Lim w Ahnoi was awesome! (: Love that we have so much in common, lil meet ups make me feel normal all again! walked the whole of Sim Lim to get our stuff, ba chor mee then send her back w weird conversations in the car ^^ I cant wait to meet her up again, either next week or reunion dinner! If its reunion, I think it will just be awesome, cos I'll get to see Ahnoi's mum! hahaha, inside secret (:

Had the weirdest dream.. I booked two flights to Hong Kong and Thailand.. But both were booked on the same dates and I hadda decide which to go.. I wonder this dream actually make any sense or it just shows my stupidity =/ (it felt really real tho)

When the harvest is big, God calls for workers but does that mean that any tom, dick, harry and jane can be called to harvest? Aren't there qualifications/expectations to meet up to? How does God chooses the workers? How will we know that he/she is God-chosen? Is it possible that one can be chosen because of talents/expertise?

When will my breakthrough come? Cos if it is taking more than 3 years, then Jesus..... I need MY Samaritan to clean my wound and take care of me........ I still hate them... I wonder when Your love can replace the hatred... I have major trust issues even w people that I think I am closest to. I am a mess, I am dark and twisted. Screwed up me, yet He loves me anyway. I just need to get that in my system, brain and heart.

.....

2010-01-10T23:39:00.001+08:00

It was only yesterday everything seemed all fine..
It was only yesterday He assured me of His love for me..
It was only yesterday I thought you had my back..
It was only yesterday I got back on track w You..
It was only yesterday I was hopeful of MY breakthrough..

Today... it all crumbled............ into pieces... I'm trying to find God in the midst of all these.... If only He can tell me His plans for me in details....

Bye Bye, Black Bird.

2009-07-30T11:39:00.003+08:00

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?

They met in the club. He offered her a drink and she wanted a dance instead. So, he obliged and dance as much as he knows how to. They danced happily to 'Black Bird', there was a connection between them. But when he asked her to wait just a while outside of the club, she flagged for a cab and went off. He went searching for her. Few days later, he found her at her workplace, pursued all the way to get her and made her follow him for the REST OF HER LIFE. He knew what he wanted and all he ever wanted in life is her, his most loved. They went on a sweet journey before he got caught. Even in the prison, he thinks of her and all he had in mind was to protect his baby and take care of her for the rest of her life. Deep in both their hearts, they knew who they want to be with for the rest of their lives. He broke outta prison with his wits and went all out to get her back to his side. He finally did, a hug in the car and off they went to their world, that only consists of them both. She lied in his arms and never want to sleep because she cherished every single moment w him. He promised her to bring her to somewhere far, where there is no one, and its just them and maybe a family to start. She smiled. Before they know it, she was caught by the police as custody to get him. She was badly tortured by one of the policeman who didnt have the guts to face her baby. He was thinking hard, finding ways to get his baby out but his baby wrote him a letter saying to let her go, its just two years and she will come back to him. He contemplated. But in the end.... he said 'Bye bye, Black Bird'. He was shot right in his head.

He robbed the banks like nobody's business together with his partners-in-crime. He was known for his record-breaking of 1min 40secs flat to rob a bank without getting caught. He outwitted the FBI. He was never caught and even if he gets caught, he somehow manages to break outta prison all by himself. Thats how intelligent he is. He lives by this principle of never letting his loved ones down, yes including his baby. He never ever thought of letting down of his buddies, he lives to protect them, to take care of them. And when his buddy said 'Let me go, I am dying anyway.. you need to learn to let go.. let go of me...' he was speechless................. his baby said that to him too.... what to do? He is caught in a dilemma, to stick with his principles or to let go... and after a long struggle, he let go........ he knew when the policeman was about to shoot him in his head.. yet he didnt retaliate because.. he understood.. let go...'Bye Bye, Black Bird'

Sahirah sat w me... Zhiyi fell sick and got 7 days of MC.. Theres a bikini party thats happening this Sat which I cant go... Amazingly i got an A for HRD... I have two projects due end of this week which I hve not done ANYTHING.. Benjamin text me but he is just an exhcange student from Paris... Saw Cindy for the first time after two months.. IPP starts in one month's time.. Mabel's bday is on Sat.. Saw liz and hugged her real tight... ZQ is letting me try the atas chocolate cake on friday.. Exams is in three weeks.. Meeting Jill tmr.. Was blessed ytd..

I just want to say... Bye Bye Black Bird..

fighting back.

2009-07-27T23:36:00.007+08:00

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us

Jesus, please please............ =(

Finally got to catch up w Dale n PP !!! Maybe thats the ONLY thing that perk me up so far for the past few weeks... Was sharing w Dale alot alot alot of things... til i teared.. GAHHHH.. I needed someone to listen to me and not keep telling me what I should do.. and guess Dale fulfilled that role.. Just having him sitting down w me and listening to me... someone that's nt in the picture at all.. someone that doesnt question me... someone to finally smile at me w that assurance... GAHHH..... and no, i dont feel good still.. i dont... but im still glad cos Dale was the only one that really just listened.. nothing else but listened.....

Oh, did i mention.. i am soo glad I am not involved with a despo! He btr lay off from my friends...

....... i am speechless .... i told ZQ i needed to blog it out, but when i actually come in here.. idk what to say.. CRAP... theres alot running through my mind.. alot... but i just cant seem to pt them into words.. but i really need to get them out... even sitting in His presence still leaves me speechless.... all I can do is sit down and sit down and... and... and ... sometimes I dont even want to sit in His Presence because I am afraid what He is going to tell me... :( it becomes reallllly miserable that I have to choose who can i rant out to and who i cannot.... really miserable... feels like my life became so transparent to everyone that I have to watch every single thing I do.. every single word I say.. AHHHHH.. I dont like this.. I really dont...

I am not like him.. he says anything he wants.. thats him... not me... I cant do that.. I dont hve the ability to do that anyway.. think the useless one is me.. if i am really to blame, i will only blame my own mischief and nothing else... its more than wanting to win.... honestly, i dont really care if i win or lose... more like even if i lose, i dont care... i really dont.. I shared w Ps Cat.. its the fear of being a hinder to them when I stand up there, or when I play... the fact of the position I am in.. I shouldnt retaliate... Say I am useless but yea.. I hve fallen... in the trap of letting it eating into me... so much so I just sink in it and dont bother to come outta it.. I am DONE pretending tt I am ok.. cos I am not... i am paralysed by it.. ZQ talked to me in the afternoon..... i sat at school's maccas... talked to him... he reminded me again not to let it eat into me... and I am trying really hard not to.... geez.... its been like.. errr... a month... the entire month, its been eating me up.. sucks ahhh...

I tried making it up... and i got tired... and i gave up... nothing i do is ever enough.. thats why i stopped... and i guess I've lost it.. I've lost a friend and Im not sure if I ever want it back again..... I am not heartless.... I just cant cope with it....

I cannot help but to feel I am responsible for it........ feels like no amount of sorry will help.... because all i get it is.. 'i will get over it' but if its true that you will get over it.. then you wouldnt sit there and cry alrdy.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh boooo

Ahhh, i can really rant on and on here.. but guess wad.......... i dont want to rant anymore... and dont ask me anything anymore... dont tell me wad to do anymore... not tt I dont appreciate..its just.... that last thing I wan right now is having anyone coming to me telling me what I ought to do.. so.. please dont ask why, what and how..... if there's anything u can do.... give me a hug or lend me your shoulders.....

Jesus, please... help me.....

serene

2009-07-09T00:02:00.006+08:00

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

Verdict of Mr Snail: Met us and took a ride of his life from ground, lifted up onto our fingers, took a train ride and finally died when he reached Great World City..

Projects after projects, report writings after report writings, presentations after presentation, homework after homework, lectures after lectures, tutorials after tutorials.. talk about school challenges... but its true that I always amazingly get through all these.. i just marvel sometimes..

Its crazy, even right now as I type.. everything within me wants to retaliate back.. everything within me wants an eye for an eye.. but my mind is still sane to fight and recognise that do unto others what I want others to do unto me.. still.. everything within me wants to get back.. really... I am pissed.. I am angry.. I am annoyed.. and again, everything within me wants to retaliate back... arghhh... I wanted to type one whole chunk of words to retaliate on my blog.. but no.. I didnt.. arghhh... Jesus.....

Time and time again, I found myself caught up w everything.. everyone.. time and time again, I need to get to where my source of strength is... and now.. I've stil yet to get to my place of serenity to just keep quiet... and keep quiet.. sometimes, its good to be quiet after all the rantings.. shhh.. nothing else except Jesus and Shuai... I've been wanting to linger in His presence... but I always get pulled out by all sorts of distractions... I really want to linger in His presence.. soak in His presence for a real long time... a long time...

and yes.. I think I need to find Aunty Jean soon.. real soon...

August is coming... with all honesty, I don't want August to come.. Can time just stop right here.. please... I don't want August to come.. really don't want... arghhhh.. sucks luh...

I need my place of serenity...............

Thanks boon liat. (:

ugliness of mankind.

2009-05-15T11:19:00.007+08:00

First things first, BLESSED BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST CASSANDRA!! (: Called her earlier and she got soo shocked to get my call!! (: Soooo glad to hear her voice after 4 months!! (: My bestfriend.... Love her to bits! (:

Even tho I may not agree to certain things.. but I cannot deny Cindy n PP were ALWAYS there when Im down.. other than God of course (: Shuai now knows who is worth her time and who is not..

Taking baby steps towards it...

Hated the way you asked.. really hated it... Inner thoughts should be asked w all sincerity and not that way.. ARGH!

Shuai seen the ugliness of mankind.. and cannot accept it.. really.. utterly disappointed luh...

let out.

2009-05-10T20:32:00.002+08:00

Guess that was what i really needed... I could no longer verbalise my feelings and thoughts... instead a good cry infront of Him did help... that prayer.. the hugs.. the text of love and concern.. a pat of my head.. and that Word from above.. The entire afternoon, that Word kept on ringing in my head.... and it still is...

I coud have focused on all the mistakes made during Worship.. but i chose to look at only one thing, that is the presence of God.. Seeing Ps Peter stepped into the youth room definitely freaked me out.. but all i asked for was His presence.. and indeed.. (: and truely, its not how well my band is.. not how well we can sing.. its the anointing and how we as a team lead the people INTO His presence... I am SOO PROUDDD of all of my musicians that day! Esp the practice.. thank God for Sam.. stepping up and helping me (: To me... and to Daddy King.. YOU ALL WERE AWESOME!! (:

Its funny how Derek, Min, Benson, Max and I were wearing similiar color shirt!! (: Esp min and mine! so alike!!!! (:

I know I've got loads to work on...

second week.

2009-05-05T23:23:00.005+08:00

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

A crowd was standing along the walkway of Vivocity because there were some hindi show filming... they were so engrossed into watching the filming that they forgot this is a shopping centre with other people who arent interested in watching but shopping...

Some wishes that Singapore gets into red alert while some prays so hard for God's hand to be upon Singapore...

Its already two weeks into Year 3.. some still can't be bothered whether they will graduate while some are slogging their backsides off to achieve a GPA of 3.6 for university entry..

Some are born with a silver spoon in their mouths and still complain about how miserable they are just because they feel like they didnt have enough of certain wants while some are born to work their backsides off to support themselves and/or family just to get pass life...

Some passed their driving theory tests just once and passed while some needs three to four times of re-taking to pass...

now.. whats next...?

I wonder if gummy bears could win chocolate muffin and drumsticks.. chocolate muffin is sweet and tasty but it is not easy to find good ones.. drumsticks taste the best when it is deep fried but it is unhealthy.. how about gummy bears? Well, gummy bears are chewy, colorful and sweet but too much of it, Mr. Diabeties might come knocking at your door.. So, chocolate muffin, drumsticks or gummy bears?

Shuai is convinced, fully convinced that she is LOVED! by many many many people.. God-sent! Those text msgs, the offer, the care and concern, the msn chats.... thank you all!! (: Thank GOD!! (: tmr I am meeting Min and Jane for lunch.. Meeting Aunty Jean in the evening.. sounds like a fruitful day to me!

In the midst of studies, dealing with Swine flu, friends w r/s problems, ministries, all the conflicts in school and the war at home... Shuai will still choose to praise Her Creator.. and offer this broken life to Him.. Shuai says.. 'Take it Lord.. all I have is this undivided heart for You.. make me assuredly Yours..' (: Shuai is smiling at the roaring storm raging at her... because she knows... He is BIGGER than anything! (:

So.. gummy bears perhaps? but i kinda miss chocolate muffin.. yet drumsticks is always there... *wonders*

marina barrage

2009-04-25T23:17:00.001+08:00

For some reasons, Marina Barrage seems to be a place for chats... for heart to heart talks... and now, its my favourite place to chill out.. :) Was there last night w PP and Cindy after Henderson Waves shut its lights.. :)) they talked their hearts out.. and I am glad I can be there just to be a listener :) Suddenly I remembered last week I was there too... and it was indeed a release... :))

Min text me this morning!! :) SO , we went to Ikea!! *punches fist in air* yes! Sooo... went to church and drove down!!! Had dinner there, FREEE AGAIN!! *feels loved n blessed* Meatballs, chicken wings plus awesome friends!! :)) They spent two hours w me, just to help me finish up my lil Tampui corner!! :)) Really thank God for them!! :)) It was a fruitful trip!!!

I finally went to eat the ice cream that was in the fridge since who knows when.. after a few mouth, i realised... i didnt like it.. and i know i will never ever like it... so i threw it away.. And i never want to eat that flavour again... Afterall, it isn't my cup of tea... and it NEVER will...

Shuai still prefers to be that apple pie crumble... surely...

Shuai is glad to receive an email from Cass :) it was a pleasant surprise!

Putting others down doesnt mean superiority over them.. It only shows how loser one is that he/she hafta put others down to make themselves feel better.. its a thin line between having high self esteem and being over arrogant.. seriously...

This week of holiday was really AWESOMEEE!! Cannot deny Wed night was THE HIGHLIGHT! =) ahhhh..... *gets lost in what happened* its really a night that ill remember FOREVER.... :D :D

n so.. Im signing off....

that warmth :)

2009-04-23T23:53:00.007+08:00

The LORD reigns, he is robed in majesty; the LORD is robed in majesty and is armed with strength. The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved.

I MISS MABEL HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and LOW YIYIN!!!!!!

Holidays coming to an end.. ohmyword! can't believe i just nua for the past four days! Im seriously.. PRO @ NUA-ING!!! :)) Ok, actually technically i only nua during daytime.. *bleah* night time is like.. wow!!! hahahaha :)) Tues was MINDS w Zhiyi :)) Cindy and Cass.. We played games in teams! it was the NGS vs C^2! Zhiyi n I are the NGS :)) Even tho we lost pictionary, but it was fun lo!!! :) all the funny actions Zhiyi made.. ohmyword!!! Made me laughed til stomach cramp!!! Went on to tau huey w Zhiyi and Cindy :)) talked about lao bunk.. hahaha!!! :)) It was FUN!!

Went out w Min today!! :) Bought Garskin for my ipod (i got it replaced) and drumsticks cos both broke! argh! then went to have Ajisen Ramen, barely touched it.... Idk why... it was FREEE btw... :D :D THANKS MIN!!!! Really enjoyed hanging out with Min!! :))

Went to Ikea later on, I was sooo determined to create my own space, by hook or by crook! Was at the edge tt I didnt get my own space since young... and the thought of that picture came in again... SURE, Im determined to have my own space!!! Mark my territory!!!! Bought $60ish worth of stuff...! Im gonna spend my day tmr fixing up my lil Tampui Corner! *humph* im pretty proud tt Im getting organised now!!! Min is happy for me too!! :D :D

It is a closed chapter.. Not opening it ever..

See you both in two weeks, sisters! :)

Let Your grace and mercy remind me over and over again.....

That warm hands and embrace...... *smile to myself*

grace and mercy

2009-04-21T01:43:00.004+08:00

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

Spent my entire last week with Mabel, Yinz and Fabian! :)) Crazy, enjoyable but I barely slept!! *chuckles* all the overnights, overnight chats at liquid kitchen, at Mabs house, all the Liverpool matches! oh and talks about different cars between Fabian n I! :))

Its the end of my second year in NYP! :)) I have tons of regrets for not studying hard, but ill buck up this year! MSC n BSC taught me alot!! :) I'll def miss all the crazy times ! :))

Hmmm.. i really have no idea what to blog now...

Oh Jane n I had an awesome chat on Sat night!!! :)) Suddenly i felt so normal again after talking to her!! :)) thank JANE!!!! :)) Appreciate it HEAPS!!! and we are meeting Min for lunch this thurs!! I cant wait!! :D :D Making my holidays a lil more fruitful.. if not ill just nua at home... PRO @ NUA-ING!! *chuckles*

I finally got what Big Daddy is teaching me.. :)) It finally sink in as i sat on the drum throne on Sunday.. In my desperation, I called out just His Name........ in that Name.... I found back the peace, the joy and the assurance :)) I finally understood the meaning of being Still in His presence.. praising Him in every season.. good and bad.. I may not understand.. I may feel crushed.. but in His time, all things will be made beautiful :)) I was reminded of the hope in Him, His grace, His mercy... His arms of love... After that, I could finally mouth my frustrations.. my struggles to Him.. a total release! :)) I may not understand a single thing that is happening around me.. but one thing for sure, I m running back to my Source of strength everyday... :)) n i suddenly feel like doing one silly thing.. i wanna cry and get a hug... (i knw it sounds absurd, ah whatever)

Expectations were laid down for me... It melts my heart that after all those quarrels, even w expectations laid down was still for MY own good... *smacks my own head* why it took me that long to realise tt i actually have an awesome friend who truely cares..??? *smacks my own head again* well... everything is in His time.. and again now i wanna cry for being an idiot....

The thought of that picture disgusts me seriously! I thought this would only happen in TV Dramas... I cannot accept it, I am ashamed of it!! When I see his face, i'll think of that picture... and I feel totally disgusted... What is he thinking man? *freaks out* and ya ya ya, im not worth a shit to buy one phone for me la uh! Big deal, ill just save up to buy la.. *humph* EEEEE.. *disgusted look*

Im done. :)) Oh btw, now my ipod crashed too.. I have to spend money to get it fixed... Im sooo not asking for money, Im gonna save it myself! I can do it... *humph*

Oh debz gonna buy me what I want!!! :D :D :D cant wait!!!

I wont look back, I wont worry cos my best days are before me :)

help.

2009-04-12T04:45:00.006+08:00

Its getting harder to verbalise my actual feelings as each day passes... I really have no idea what am I feeling exactly...

I want my own space.. I want silence.. rarrr..!!

How long more, Big Daddy? I am dying to get outta this FAST.. but I came to realise... I've not learn, thats why Im still in the circle over and over again.. Not taking any short cuts already.. however long its gonna be..... ill endure through... by the grace of God

I am still that Tampui......... I cannot pretend that I do not knw you at all because I actually knw you....

monkey, major defects and injustification

2009-02-07T22:11:00.005+08:00

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

Went out with yinz and mabs last sat for yinz 19th celebration!! Hard Rock Cafe is such an awesome place for live music!! We plan to go there every once a month :)) CANT WAIT!!

Been really busy the past week with reports, TEP Variety, handover, personal selling.. guess its taking a toll on me... :)) But I am sooo glad i get to know so many new friends durng this nine weeks in BSC!!! :)) they are such awesome people!! :)) LOVE THEM TO BITS!! and did i mention?? I AM SOO PROUD OF THEM!!! They did sucha great job for TEP Variety!! Even tho i saw how they wanted to give up.. how one even cried over it.. they still pulled through and did such a great job!!! Oh my... SOOO PROUD OF THEM!!! ;) and one more.. DARREN BLOWS ME AWAY!!! :D :D

Led worship last night.. hmmm.. its kinda amazing how I wasn't panicking at all when the up key went wrong.. Certain things i felt about the worship team and i shared it with Min last night :)) She also gave me suggestions and feedback.. i value her feedback! and well... guess i need to learn to really take my role as a worship leader :)) ive learnt! :) THANKS MIN!! and thanks for the sms!!!!!!!! APPRECIATE IT HEAPSSSSSS!!! :)

Finally i got to talk to Sis Jean last night just for 5mins before youth starts! Even though it was just 5mins... it helped me alot alot!!! :) THANK YOU!!! :)) *hugs* even though i wish i can hve more time to talk to her... :))

Im starting to wonder if getting into a 'i dont care' attitude is helping.. he said the more i say i dont care, the truth is.. i care alot deep inside.. i thought about and yea.. i do care.. i care for the well being.. bt well... maybe i should stop caring.. it'll do me soo much better i think...

Your faithfulness never fails....

Trust in Him

2009-01-30T01:19:00.003+08:00

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Eunice and I talked a little today.. was sharing with her about min telling me that I am not very strong willed... LOL!! :)) and she told me.. that strong will can be developed at part of my character.. its just a matter of how badly i want to be strong will... :)) that was why... *not telling u* :)) She asked me a question and is worth my time to think about.. 'Shuai... what do u do after you crumble, do u pick yourself up?' WHOA....!!! :) time to think about it....

I had heaps of fun laughing in the office at the silly-ness of Chien Ting... she just makes my day :)) innocent girl indeeed... :)) Ms Syam has been trying to match make JH n I together recently.. ohmygoodness! so impossible can??? He doesnt WHOA me... not at all..! hahaha :))

Ive been thinking what are my process for this year.. and i finally got it... :)) I wanna share it with Sis Jean :D cant wait!!!!!

BJsters booked me next Saturday... ohmyword!! I can't wait!! :D :D and Caden wants me out together with Cindy, Stella and Regina the following week... ohmy!! Im packed :)) *looks at min, if she still comes online* :D Did I tell you that Mabel's my fave!! :)) and Yiyin is being a irritant because she's always busy when mabs n i wanna ask her out, irritating la yinz!

ouchhh

2009-01-28T13:13:00.009+08:00

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand

Daddy King.. *ouch and ouch and ouch* I do not know how to react.. I am really speechless.. I recalled everything once again.. and again.. and again... tears just rolled down... i dont understand Daddy King.. i really dont... all I can do is to back off.. I can't bring myself to talk about it.. questions after questions.. I still dont understand.. I start to doubt myself.. is it me? boo..... GOD!!!! Not a least bit angry, but its hurts.. wo de xin hen tong.... *pouts*

Buddy saw my FB status and gave me a call.. my heart just melted... I was so thankful that he called (: We talked... i don't feel any better... but Im thankful that he called me up (:

Thanks sis!!! (: love u! You said something last night that really touched my heart.. thank u!! :)

God... it hurts so bad...

Its cold...

2009-01-17T00:09:00.004+08:00

'So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature'

Im sucha sotong!!!! booo.... didn't know there was cell worship instead... thank God, Derek let me join his grp, pheww...! :)) Then Ps Wil was sooo kind to allow me to join his 'group' :)) AWESOMEEEE!!!! :))

Was in PHS on Monday to promote our school, and I overheard this conversation between my lecturer and one of the school's teacher.. and i was totally taken aback and made me wonder.. The teacher was actually saying that she thinks lowly of the students' results... then the next moment.. she told her student 'I think you will do great, you're smart' *rolls eyes* wah lau! hypocrite!!! Then I started wondering... if those that tell me Im doing great.. but perhaps behind my back they are prolly telling others... 'Shu ai sucks.. she cant make it....' *wonders*

Doing things beyond the expected is draining me... mentally.. dang...

Dance for TEP Variety Show is AWESOMMMMEEE!!! :)) Im loving it :)) 2 hours of dance everyday makes me feel... more hyped up.. :)) Went to Henderson Waves on Thurs :)) AWESOMEE!! :)) Btw, Thursday was the highlight of my week! Css ive got someone to drive me to Casurina for breakfast, to school, to Henderson Waves then to Kovan :)) Starting to love TEP!!! I dont wanna leave Humanlink..... keke! Got to know so many new friends! :))

During worship just now.... God spoke to me :)) Felt so much comforted... like He knows when to comfort me! I was just running on low this entire week.. needed to let it out.. but didnt know how to :)) Thank God for His awesome presence just now :))

You bind the broken hearted..

Beyond the Expected

2009-01-08T00:00:00.006+08:00

'Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy'

Im starting to love lunch sessions with JH!! Each time i look forward to have a good chat with him! We are of two totally different worlds but yet each time we sit down and chat... he just opens my eyes to see things differently, to think things differently :))

"You just do what is enough... you won't bother to go the extra mile ever.." The reason why he said that was because when I was auditing other teams, I basically just asked what was needed to be known and dont even bother to find out more, I was just contented that I've got just enough to write for a report.. THATS ME! *winks* I just laughed over his comment and carried on eating my food *chuckles*

"You have a choice whether to come to school late, on the dot or early... its all up to you..." Reason being.. since i went back to school, 70% of the time i was late... *bleah* and JH pulled me one side the other day and told me its time to buck up... as usual... i just brush it off... THATS ME! *winks* still, i was late this morning... *OOPS*

At the end of the day, when i settled in my bed... i thought through every single conversation I had with JH.. the fact that just through ONE audit that i did, he saw what kind of a person I am.. and suddenly i remembered what Ps Glen preached on Sunday! 0.0 That we as christians, shouldn't be doing just enough.. we should be doing MORE THAN ENOUGH! in everything that we do, MORE THAN ENOUGH! Recently, it became worse.. I just do things for the sake of doing it.. not to mention doing more than enough.. sometimes I don't even do enough *smacks my forehead* I can't find any motivation to do anything.. i just live life as it is.. and I hate it when people gives me extra work to do.. *OOPS* Until today.. time to get it in my head... MORE THAN ENOUGH MORE THAN ENOUGH... :)) *amazed at God's way of doing things*

Doing beyong the Expected... by now, I am known as 'MS LATE' and I've decided not to be late starting tomorrow... :))

JH is full of his life BIG philosophies... he has all his life values and principals... he shares it all with me.. he is the person you go to when you dont understand things.. Shuai doesn't care a hoot about life philosophies.. she doesn't like problems.. she live life as it is... she is the person you go to when you need a ear to rant out stuff :)) this is what i mean by.... Shuai and JH are of different worlds... :))

"Guard your heart at all times.. Shuai..." She has been saying these exact same words many many many times... I shared with her that I struggle with certain things.. She talked quite alot.. I was listening.. and at the end of the day, I made a choice to keep my heart open and see what God is bringing into my life this season.. As hard as it can be... think I need to be challenged.. I am getting a little too comfy at where I am right now..

I decide to live a life that shouts Your fame...

2009.

2009-01-01T23:53:00.007+08:00

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)) Yesterday's worship was... AWESOME! Totally understood the meaning of putting everything aside and just ADORE Him.. adore His majesty, adore His goodness, adore everything about my Saviour! :)) Gosh, His presence was soooo tangible yesterday evening! :)) Had loads of fun laughing tgt with Sam while we sat infront !! :)) And i was called out for testimony!! *in utter shockness* LAME to those who sabo me!!!! Well, went up.. was just stuck for words.. deep within i truely have loads of things to say.. but ultimately, i still thank God for EVERYTHING! :)) Yvonne's testimony touched my heart (even tho i was laughing all the way..) the fact that she caught what Ps Wil shared on last friday about the good work He has started, He will bring it to completion just amazed me.. i caught it too! :)) and im clinging on to it!! :))

I still stand amazed at how God made it all beautiful in HIS time :)) really amazed at how God does things.... :)) All glory and honor to Daddy King for the souls saved during The Greatest Gift!! :))

Spent some time with Daddy King and was just reflecting on the year 2008.. i could have said the year sucked big time.. but i chose to look beyond all of those and still say God is good! :)) The fact that He brought Sis Jean to guide me along.. the fact that i grew closer to God because of what has happened.. the fact that Ive got three bros added into my life :)) the fact that I was blessed to go to HK :)) the fact that I received the calling of God in my life despite of all the failures.. the fact that I get to see Cass this year! :)) *best part of my year* the fact that I have a bunch of lovely groupies!! :) Soooo much to be thankful to God for!!! :D :D i will still say.. HE IS GOOD ALL THE TIME, IN EVERY SEASON, HE IS GOOD! :)) and i look forward to a greater year with Daddy King :))

SIS JEAN!!! :)) Thank you for all the blessings.. all the naggings *wink* for all the godly advice.. for all the prayers.. for all the encouragements.. for literally.. EVERYTHING :)) *superhugs*

Finally i got to hang out with Amy this evening! :)) Even though it was just a dinner with free fireworks ;) i enjoyed myself!! :D Glad we shared about everything :))

God.. i stand amazed.. in the wonders of your power....

Wild Horse

2008-12-06T00:35:00.004+08:00

Feral horses are free roaming and untamed.. without human management.. without parental authority.. overtime it gets wilder and wilder.. it does things impulsively without considering its fellow horses and consequences.. when it gets into trouble.. it can only stay outta trouble for few weeks/months.. then again.. it gets back into the same thing again.. wonder if wild horse can ever be tamed..

Even she nags and shouts.. i still rub her leg when she get cramps in the middle of the night.. still wash my clothes.. still mop the floor.. still vacuum the house.. i may dislike her nagging and shoutings.. but perhaps maybe if i look deep enough.. i might see things differently.. all i am asking for is lesser naggings and shoutings.. but think that is only possible if i stop hating going home..

Gotta make a choice... why am i always stuck in between everything, anything, everyone and anyone?? Sigh... looks like Genting only works for that while only.. and sometimes i wonder some ppl just talk only... or they speak one thing do another thing...

ANYWAY! Night cycling was AWESOME! Really awesome!! Something Ive not done before!! :) Thanks brothers!!! :) Such a pity we couldn't take pics BUT still it was really fun!!! :)

Thankful

2008-12-03T00:36:00.003+08:00

'So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.'

Had a refreshing time at Genting!!! :) Im soo targetting Taiwan next year! :D Thank God for a trip up to Genting to clear up my mind, straighten things up, seek His face and just have ME time! :) Though i still do not know what to do but I just follow whatever He wants me to do :)

I am missing you so much! Its been ages since I heard your voice! During my trip, there were some rides that i took were soooo lame and i wanted to tell someone, the first person i thought of was you! but well, you're sooo far away from me! I just miss you...... so badly.... really badly.. *pouts* i wonder if ill ever get to wish u 'Merry CHristmas' this year... which i really want to! i miss you....

OH! ive asked Esleen to come for the MAF party, she looks really enthu about it! :) IM praying she'll come!

Shuai got some pretty cool and funky friends in church... :) and is thankful for those that stood by her since May :) and is excited about Christmas shopping on Thursday with cool ppl!! :) Myword.. Shuai is feeling really blessed right now! *smiles super wide*

*scratches head* think im back on the 'put myself down' trip again.. *oops*

And... after typing all these.. i realise.. i still miss you...

I wanna lavish my love on You.... :)

God is love

2008-10-27T23:47:00.003+08:00

'See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don’t recognize that we are God’s children because they don’t know him.'

'Its only when my security is stripped away, my comfort taken away.. and then i know God is my only comfort...' i teared when i heard that sentence, twice.. I could sense his total dependence on God and God alone.. he recognizes who God is in his life. It just hit me and i repeated the exact same words to God there and then.. :) :)

'It was God who made it possible.. because God loves me so much that in turn i can love him..' the words 'God's love' were repeated umpteen times and it sank right into my heart, overwhelmed me soo much! She didnt allow the past to dictate how her life is going to be.. she allowed the love of God to fill her heart so much so that she could love the guy, her father back despite of what he has done.. it was God's love... God's unfailing love.. God's unconditional love.... :) :)

BBQ at Amy's house was.. FABULOUS! :) :) The prawn peeling thing was uber fun can??? :) Preparing the spag was funny!!! Cos Amy's mum was like.. aiyooo.. why buy corn beef... blah blah blah.. I couldnt stop giggling.. HAHA! Jill was there too!! :) It was funny how Jill and I were sitting at the dining table hving our girls' talk and eating my special cury rice, at the same time.. laughing at that two fella sitting in the living room, watching their soccer match! WAHAHA! so funny can??? LOL! :) :) I was actually happy for the two of them when the angbao was handed to him!!! Getting there getting there, dont give up!!! :) :)

I was BLESSED!!!!! :) :) time to go shopping for shoes lo.. :) *jumps around* Who wants to come along????? hahaA!!!

The feeling of being abandoned doesn't feel great! The fact that you go home and realise that everyone else left the country without you... feels bad! But, why am i even complaining? Shouldn't I get used to it alrdy?

it was heartmelting to have you taking care of me like a da jie for the entire period :) i was really sincerely touched.. love ya! couldnt ask for more! :) can only say i am uber blessed by you and your entire family! :) :)

God is love :) :)

2008-10-09T00:11:00.011+08:00

He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you.

Saw Sab today after sooo long!!! :) :) She's still the same :) :) Didnt talk much, but managed to get some info on her preparation :) :) *chuckles* Went to Ps Wil's house to visit baby Tesher! :) Gosh, he is just a CUTIE!!!! Look soooo peaceful :) :) Couldnt stop carrying him! My word! Was saying that its getting addictive carrying baby Tesher! :) He doesn't cry unless he wanna poop or is hungry :) :) Talked to Sis Lena too :) :) Played around with Tiff and Darlene! :) My word, baby Tesher! Cant wait to see him again! SUCHA CUTIE!!

Had this conversation with Ps Wil and Sis Angel about me flying over to Seattle! :) Apparently, the money that I've earned is just enough to fly me there -.- But, I am glad that I've made my first step, proving that Im not just words :) Actions come forth.. I will work whenever I have the chance to and save up to visit my BESTfriend!!

Was suppose to go down to get my ring today, but got really lazy :P I was upset at myself for not taking care of the ring.. But, I've alrdy got it dirty, what can i do right? HAHA! I was all excited about giving out the muesli bars to the community, but those STUPID bangalas have to take them ALL away, leaving me with only the stupid boxes :( I was sooo mad!!!! But then again, arent those bangalas part of the community too?

I am SOOOO BORED!!! Anyway, wanna add this... Bro, thanks for being there!!! like, seriously! :) Really appreciate you say that! Even tho i told you nothing, my mouth was kept shut, but knowing i have a friend there, thats good! Xie xie ni!!!!!! :)

Lil Tesher is just AMAZING!! He is amazing...... :) :)

I've got a million things to say...

The whole 'Shuai is different' thing is not helping me.. It makes things worse..

SUPERGOD!

2008-10-08T00:28:00.007+08:00

"And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?"

Went to Orchard today to pass Pat my timesheet :) Chat with her a lil and she's really niceee!! :) Saw Uncle Sunil, Uncle Meng, Tim and Audrey in the office!! Oh, and the stupid Matthew which i super hate! :P HEHE!! :) Feels good being in the GP office! :P

Decided to spend some time alone, walked around Orchard, tried on some dresses and left the shop, LOL! Got a little KPO and went to Tang to check out Issey Miyake :P FOYYYY SHOO MAAAA HOOEEE!!! It costs a BOMB! *CHI BA BOOM!* So i told Gid that the present i receive from ZQ gets more expensive as i get older :P *chuckles* :) :) :)

Went back to school today for some TEP orientation, found out i cant go for church camp *eyes open big big* Die, i signed up liao lo! Oh well, but thank God! I can clear three days leave, SO!! Shuai's up to mischief again!! *SHHHHH* I can't reveal my secret of mischief here!! :)

I am just different what... *pouts* whats wrong with that?? *pouts* i didnt mia, i was there all along! *pouts* i am just different.... from you all....

Shuai needs her SUPERGOD to bring her through :)

2008-10-04T00:19:00.004+08:00

AIIYOOOO!!! Look at this cutie pieeee!!! :) :) Her eyes just sparkles :) :) :) And the eyelashes!!!! :) :) WEEETSSS!!! What a cutieee pieee!!! :) :) BTW, WELCOME TO THE WORLD BABY TESHER!!!! :) :)

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. "

Worship was just... GOOD! I couldnt say anything except good!!! :) Read Zechariah 13:9. Wasn't a coincidence that i read in on thurs night's devotion! :) Message was just MIND BLOWING!! Literally, as i sat there, paying attention to every single word that came forth, receiving every single word that came forth, God just told me something :) I think thats possible to do it! Think i can do it!! :) :) I'll hafta coordinate with someone soon!!!!! :) I am actually excited about it!!! :D

Got homework to do... AHHH!!!! Die die also hafta squeeze something out lo.. NO CHOICE!! :) Ive got freee clothes btw!!! YAY!!! :) :)

Learned something :) sometimes even when i really dont feel like talking to certain individual, i still hafta push through and talk! Kinda like a mind thingy ;p like I didnt really wanna talk but i just needa tell myself, alright.. its the hormones raging, so i hadda force myself to open my stupid golden mouth! Even if its just a "Hello" Let it be a "Hello" Better than nothing :)

She is just like a mother figure to me :) Thank God!!!! :) :)

i didnt turn when Sashi told us to look at our neighbour, but i was just curious and wanted to see if she turns to me ;p and... *smiles wide* yes, i was shocked but i was glad :) maybe she couldnt be bothered to turn her head to me.. BUT i would rather look at things on a brighter side! :)

2008-10-01T22:14:00.004+08:00

"An honest answer is a kiss of friendship"

On Saturday... RICE DISTRIBUTION!!! :) :) Had the privilege to be part of the project that CCSS put together, to give out bags of rice to the community in Mcpherson area :) :) Even though i was really really tired, but I am glad i went for it!! :) :) The first time i knocked on the door, i was sooo afraid i'll get rejected or get some weirdo coming to me! But the first three bags that i gave to was an old lady :) :) They knocked but she didnt open, later on as i stood there, she opened the door and i walked up to her and gave her the bags of rice :) :) She smiled! Even though she blabbered about how she thinks her neighbors are weird, the smile she gave to me just melted my heart! :) It made me wanna go to more houses, knock on their doors and give them the bags of rice with a WIDE SMILE!!! Im glad the community was blessed! :) :) CAN WE DO MORE???? :) :) :)

On Sunday.... MEET MY NEW FRIEND! :) :) I thought i would go to work since they are heading home but he called me and said he really want to meet me :) So, we met at Orchard.. tried out something funny! :) we did the ear wax thing using candle!!! :) Later on he went on to get his sunglasses string and we took a cab to lavender and head to F1 race!!! :) He was soooo sweet to accompany all the way to office cos he didnt want me to walk alone!! :) Note, his seat was at pit straight which is like super far away from the office!! :) So after he walked me to the office, i was nice to get a buggy and drive him to where he should be! Kissed goodbye and... never saw him again... AWWW...!!! No la, we're keeping in contact!! :)

Work work work.. My word..... Im crashinggggggg.....!!!!!!!! Was complaining to Gideon how i hadda wash 300ish stupid trolleys today!!! Kill me pls!!!! PLus, today.. all the coolest people like, Jett, Jay and Jess werent working anymore... :( I MISS THEM!!! Cant wait for the party that Pat is organising! Its gonna be a BLAST!!! For the Singapore GP F&B Department!!! wOoOOHoooOo!! :) :) Btw, i have enough to fly to Seattle RIGHT NOW! :) Should i? :) I miss CASSANDRA sooo much lo!!!!!!!!!! Saw the pics on facebook, whitney giving her a hug, I ALSO WANT!!!!

Learning and practicing wisdom! ;) Staying out of unnecessary trouble!! :)

Cause a face without freckles is like a sky without the stars. Why waste a second not loving who you are? Those little imperfections make you beautiful, lovable, valuable. They show your personality inside your heart. Reflecting who you are

Stilling working on it.. Im a precious kid of Daddy King *knocking it in my head and HEART* =)

You Are Special

2008-09-29T22:36:00.004+08:00

THUMBS UP TO FERNANDO ALONSO!!!!! :) :)

F1 was a total blast!!! :) I had a good experience, knowing new people, random people and watching the race for... FREEEEE...!!! :) :) Plus, i get to earn money too! :) Poor Ferrari! One crashed and Massa hadda suffer a penalty resulting him in 18th position when he was few laps infront of Lewis! Wad a total pity when Massa and Kimi did great at qualifying! Well, they all learn and the next race in Japan will be better! :) Jett is my favourite person!!! :) Always taking care of me :) :) LOVE HER!

It was a good time with Sis Jean.. :)

I am a precious kid in the eyes of my Daddy King! *knocking it into my head*

trash

2008-09-26T12:02:00.000+08:00

Trash are useless and meant to be thrown into the trash bin! Waste papers are meant to be shredded into pieces! Is it an 18year old thing or wad? Why since I've turned 18, the feeling just gets stronger and stronger and stronger?

Anyhow, thanks bro for hearing me out :) you know who you are :) and.. THANKS for the earphones!!!! Seems like the three of us can be really good friends! :) What you think?

They have been telling me I am no longer the Shuai they used to know. The noisy, always chats on msn with them.. That Shuai went MIA! *rolls eyes* What is expected of me, exactly? I am good with not chatting on msn, keeping quiet right now. Noisy dont quite seem the thing to go with me now.. So, live with it :)

CASSANDRA ONG, I MISS YOU! I MISS US! I MISS ALL THE FUN! I MISS YOUR FACE!! I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!

its a two way thing. I dont want to tell you everything and you tell me nothing.

Forgiveness

2008-09-22T23:33:00.006+08:00

Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”
“No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!

I'm keeping Friday's worship in my heart :) Not talking about the worship team but how I was desperate to reach for Him, a desperate cry in me, a struggle i face that i need Him to help me with! He gave me the courage to do what i had to do! :) Im glad she sang Reaching for You..

Been meditating on a verse since last Sunday but still I haven't really got convinced by it or even by anyone else! I am still meditating on it! :) Just that... can't stop thinking Im not useful... This feeling in me that words cannot even describe!

Talked to ZQ on friday. A HUGE HUGE struggle! I told him everything that i was struggling on msn later on in the night! Glad i did that! :) He's really a good LPZ leader!! :)

Gideon was given a HUGE mission to complete!! HAHA!!! Cassandra is really silly but SWEEET!! :) But, i really appreciate it!!! THANKS!!! :) :) So in the end, the mission was completed with a cake :) and.. angbao!!!!! HEHE!! :D :D My girls gave me THREE balloons!! HUGE ONES!! :) THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!!! LOVE YOU ALL!!

push ups

2008-09-15T22:49:00.004+08:00

*thinks to herself and taps her chin* Shuai can't do a frigging proper push up! You've got to be kidding me! ARGH! Shuai's sooooooo gonna train herself to do it! GOSH, she cannot believe after all the time she've spent in the gym, her arms are still so weak! So much for being fat! Grrrr...!! *FLIPS OVER*

Shuai's person is going to check her results for her later! Shuai's too afraid to check it out herself! *crosses finger* Thanks person!

Shuai took her first step in the new ministry on Sunday! :) She knows many people are shocked about the new ministry she has stepped into, but what to do? It is all God-ordained! And Shuai's the ham(Not literally!) not the egg! (Get the metaphor, ppl!) So, way to go Shuai!!! Shuai is liking the new ministry but know its not going to be easy! But she's the ham not the egg! :) :)

Shuai's person nudged her when Ps Peter Chng talked about not despising yourself, your ability! Shuai got the message as clear as crystal from both Ps Peter Chng and her person, but is she convinced herself? Cos everyone around her always look down on her! She herself cannot help but to look down on herself too! Besides, seriously.. what has she have? :)

Did you know Starbucks was from Seattle?

New season

2008-09-06T01:18:00.006+08:00

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

It was not coincidental when we talked about it. God just reminded me of what i prayed the other day before i slept and even though it was just a brief mention about it, i knew it was God :) :) I dont know if this is a new season for a new thing, but the song that was sang today just gave me that assurance :) :) He sees me through the seasons! :) I may be afraid of the amount of committment that i hafta put in but if that is where God wants me to be... why not? :) :) Gonna be hard, but ill do my very best! But somehow i have this assurance that no matter where i am, what i am doing, He watches over me :) :) I am waiting upon You :) :) I wanna step into this new season with You, dont ever let me go...

"Sharing Your Life Mission Everyday" and that's what i taught my lovely members today! :) :) Man, ive grown to love them more even though at times attendance and responses can be really discouraging BUT i still wanna do my very best for them! :) :) I just wanna impact their lives in the little ways :) :) As i was preparing the lesson, i learned something myself too :) :) I jotted down the good deeds that i hafta do in my lil ms recycled book :) :)

it was encouraging to hear from Sis Jean about __________ :) :) I am not stopping, i know there's more to come as i yield myself MORE to the Holy Spirit :) :)

Being in a relationship with God is the hardest yet the most secured one... :)

bumming

2008-09-04T15:31:00.011+08:00

"But if a wicked man turns away from all the sins he has committed and keeps all my decrees and does what is just and right, he will surely live; he will not die.... Rid yourselves of all the offenses you have committed, and get a new heart and a new spirit. Why will you die, O house of Israel?"

I've been bumming and bumming and bumming! Well, lets see what i've done this week.. I've been watching Meteor Garden!!! :) :) Zomg, i super love the showwww!!! I've been eating like a pig!! *FAT!!* FYI, i did not even read any of the two books that Im suppose to finish by the end of this week :P I couldn't find out how to send the cookies over! URGH! And the scrapebook materials, HAHA! Expected, i've not gotten it yet! :) :) Oh!! I finally get to talk to Cassandra and see her too!!! :) :) Was up till 3ish watching Meteor Garden and i caught her!! :) :) Had a fun time updating each other bout our lives!! :) :) I've got nothing much to update actually... But still, it was AWESOME chatting with her!! :) Hmmm, what else..? Ok, im really sucha bummer!! With the new schedule up, my Saturdays now are like ULTRA free! Gotta think of something to do!! No, actually i've been thinking... But i just dont have the answer..!! HAH!! :) :) Nvrm, i dont have a deadline to it, so ill take my own sweet time to think! :P I suddenly thought of a video that i can make! :P It's OFFICIAL!!! :) :)

Ru guo dao qian you yong de hua, hai yao jing cha lai gan mah? HEH! i like this line!!

read read read

2008-09-02T02:12:00.003+08:00

O Lord, what are human beings that you should notice them,
mere mortals that you should think about them?

Today was a BLAST!! :) I told Amy she could have done so much work today, instead of bringing us out to shop (I just made her sound like a mother, HAHA!) And she opened my eyes by telling me the reason why she chose to sleep in and go shopping instead of doing work :) :) HEH! Cant wait to bum with her again...!!! :) :) And thanks DEbz, Meteor Garden aka Mist Over Dream Lake (LOL) saved my life!! I think Amy's mother is really niceeee...!! HEH! They will know why i say so! :P

Ok, i finally came up with FOUR things to acomplish for this week!

1) Finish reading the book Sis Jean lend me :P
(Its been.. i think a month?? and the book is only 63pages!)
2) Finish reading the book Amy lend me :P
(I hope i finish it by Sunday!!)
3) Get my scrapbook materials!!!!
4) Find out how to send Famous Amos Cookies overseas!!

READ READ READ....!! and of course spending quality time with Daddy King is important too! :)

keep walking

2008-08-30T01:56:00.003+08:00

So it was decided that 29 August 08 is known as "Leaders' Day":) I think its really good. My heart melted when Edna came up to me and handed me a rose :) continue melting when Gillian passed me that black star bracelet :) followed by a HUGE surprise by Charleen, Isabella and JJ!! :) A note from Charleen, a picture frame from Isabella.. :) My heart really melted! It just meant SOOO much to know that my members remember me! :) These girls... awww!!! :) I can't say how much i loved those gifts and note!! :) I really love it SOO MUCH!! Silly games.. silly forfeits.. silly laughters.. I had fun! i had HEAPS of fun! :) Awww... God, You sure know how to cheer me up! :) :) Its funny.. its THEM who gave me a sense of belonging.. :)

It was the longest walk ever.. Kept on walking and walking.. Just me and God.. Maybe duty has turned me into someone that do things out of obligation.. Maybe duty made me tired of everything.. Maybe duty blew off that flame.. Or maybe its just.. Shuai that has lost it uh..? Maybe Deb was right.. Maybe i really need a mini retreat.. That old lady kept on walking with God and never gave up.. Boy we know that at times she wants to give up this walk.. this walk of faith.. but she hang on.. She's not giving up til she sees Her Partner.. How about Shuai? I think Shuai is not giving up.. SHe is still pursueing.. She is not quiting.. She is just.. tired and needs to get recharged.. The best Musician whispered this to her ear.. "Dont quit, keep playing.."

heartwarming i must say.. :)

2008-08-29T12:23:00.006+08:00

Teach me your ways, o Lord

That I may live according to your truth

Grant me purity of heart
So that i may honor you
With all my heart i will praise you
O Lord my God
I will give glory to your name forever
for your love for me is great
you have rescued me from the depths of death

Duty is only washing your hands when they are dirty. When love and duty are one, then grace is from within.

Painted Veil

2008-08-27T15:51:00.005+08:00

Then i realised that my heart was bitter,
and i was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant -
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet i still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
you guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom i have in Heaven but you?
i desire you more than anything on earth
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever.

Umm, my holidays so far has been.. BORING! Gosh, i cannot just waste my 6 weeks like that! Other than heading to the gym (which i love alot!), there must be something else i can do! Well, I rented DVDs to watch! And i have been sleeping like for HOURS (which is good anyway!) I dont know, life has gotta be more than this uh! And i've been sick all these while (NOT cool at all! I am putting the blame on the weather, the bug never wants to leave me!) Ok, here's MY recommendation, well actually Cassandra's :) The Painted Veil! :)

It is an amazing story with a GREAT story plot! It is soo GOOOD! I love it alot and i dont mind watching it over and over and over and over again! And i must say, white guys always have this charm that singaporean guys will NEVER hve it! :P

Facebook is super addictive and you should get one too :)

great peace

2008-08-25T16:25:00.003+08:00

“Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.”

Talked to Daddy King last night :) Always love talking to Him! :) And it's always refreshing to busk in His presence! :) Great peace experienced!

I told you i see this friendship and YOU as a special gift from God, did you believe? But anyhow :) whether you believe or not, ive set my mind that since I see you and the friendship as a special gift from God, i am not letting comments of others to affect how I am going to treat you in the future.

God is my victory, indeed is He! :)

my prayer

2008-08-21T17:05:00.009+08:00

"By day The Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me - a prayer to the God of my life"

In two years' time, i will see this exact view!! Seattle awaits for me (;

Shuai thinks holding a camera wherever she goes, snapping pictures of anything and everything makes her a cooler person! (: She is a cool and hip person now, but with a lomo will be POYYFFEEECCTTT! (;

HAHAHA!! its funny how i want to add stuff to this entry and my phone rang. And its my BESTFRIEND!! (:(: Awwwww!! Im always happy to talk to her about anything and EVERYTHING! (: (: Cassandra, I AM SAVING UP!! :D I had fun talking to you, like always!! You cheer me up ALL THE TIME! More like YOU are MY sunshine more than I am YOUR sunshine. Anyways, i can't wait to see the package that you gonna send to me! (: LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU MUCH!!!

SHOCKING NEWS!!

Michael Guglielmucci is... not suffering from cancer! Who told me? Really wanna know?? HAHA! None other than my BESTfriend! Who told her? Ummm, Ps Connie. *bleah* Well, yea, its shocking! To think that the night before i was watching the video of his story and got so touched by the power of God's healing! But, keep him in prayers! Guess they're going through a hard time.

My body is aching now... sick...

2008-08-20T12:32:00.004+08:00

Thank You for the Word so sweet, oh yes!
Thank You for the food we eat, YUM YUM!
Thank You for the birds that sing-a-ling-a-ling!
Thank You God for EVERYTHING, AMEN! (: (:

2008-08-18T23:44:00.004+08:00

Wads dumb? I wanted to add on some stuff to my entry i made last night, but i deleted the whole thing instead!! Dude, i feel dumb now -.- Ok, ill just try to recall wad i posted last night, HOPEFULLY! ;) Actually, i dont feel like re typing everything. Ill summarise it.

Ok, I've been spending my weekends with Amy recently which is good! I miss my BESTfriend who is having a great time with her other bestfriends in Seattle! Deborah is back for a week and i cannot wait to hang out with her and a bunch of others! :) I'm having my exams and I do not hve any sense of urgency, OH BOY! I have dumb friends like Huiling who watches Olympic cos of the excitement she gets seeing two china people playing against each other for different countries :) JH who is dumbly NICE to drive us from school to YCK station -.- which btw is only 3 mins walk! HAHA! Thats my day. Ok, im really not in the mood to talk about my social life now.

The conversation started like this.. (170808)

Eh, i dont understand why. Why? *sensored* I dont FEEL like doing it, Daddy King! Are you going to do it anyhow? Whether it makes any impact or not? Ok, ill do it UNTO YOU! But You really gotta help me to overcome the thought of wanting to make an impact in people's life but i am not seeing. You needa help me see things with YOUR eyes, not mine! Consider it done, my lil princess :)

End of conversation..

The conversation starts again.. (180808)

Hello Daddy King, im having mixed feelings like NOW. I want to call the one in Seattle but idk wads stopping me. Im frustrated at myself not knowing how to say NO!! *I have not finished the book Sis Jean gave. BLEAH* I love spending quality time with close ones cos that is my love language. But something is stopping me from asking people out. My second love language happen to be words of affirmation. But... OH WELL! She gets all excited when he brings her out for movie. I acted as if i dont care, but maybe i do care. Maybe i wonder why he didnt buy the ticket for me? I wonder why he didnt ask me along? I wonder.. How ah?

Conversation dies off..

Humility

2008-08-16T23:13:00.000+08:00

This is not going to dictate how the rest of my life will be

Because Jesus came and stretched out His hands (:

And this is what I am working towards. Conscious effort needs to be made and i will

After studying for 4 hours, i decided to do something random. I changed and went to AMK hub (: changed the size of the new jeans i bought and got really bored so i went to Orchard to get famous amos cookies. Did i mention that Famous Amos cookies are DELICIOUS?? My word, they taste SO GOOD! (: Shopped around in Orchard, wanted to get some stuff, but i didnt know how to buy -.- So, decided to go to Vivocity (: Shopped around for abit at Candy Empire, bought chocolates for my MOTHER. Yes, my MOTHER. (: So, i was deciding whether to take bus back or train. And i decided to take the bus! (: I enjoy bus rides (: i always love bus rides (:

On the bus, in my mind, the conversation I had with Sis Jean kept running through my mind. I can only say, God woke me up (: thank God!

Innocence

2008-08-15T12:42:00.004+08:00

Innocence of these kids just makes me smile (: I wonder what happened to the innocence we all used to have as we grow older. Perhaps facing the storms of life washed that innocence away, perhaps complicated circumstances made us complicated too. Oh, innocence is good. I just realised its a very thin line between naive and innocence. As similar as it is, there is a difference. Many times i find myself being naive rather than innocent. And being naive is not good, because i often get into dumb trouble. Oh i feel dumb now. Sometimes being nice to everyone is not the very right thing to do afterall. But all i wanted was to be nice, but always get taken advantage when im nice. Sucks to be nice. Well, God, what is YOUR way of dealing with people? Teach me (:

I want to go for missions! I wanna see the innocence of the kids, i wanna be part of their journey in life, i wanna sow seeds in their lives, i wanna be a blessing in anyway i know how to! I really wanna go for missions......... because i know it will change my life for GOOD! Guess hanging out too much with missionary kids made me have a passion for missions too (: (: i miss her..

I got to hear and see Cassandra (: (: on skype AND on phone! That silly girl miscalculated the time and called me at 5am! (: (: But, its ok! I love her still! (: (:

Ok, somehow even tho its exams, im kinda relaxed.. WHY??? (: (: Wo bu zhi dao... (: (:

Jeremiah 1:4-8

2008-08-13T10:53:00.004+08:00

At 6.22am, something unpleasant happened.. God, I am committing all these into Your hands

But guess what? God is really GOOD! :) :) At 7.53am, my phone rang! So, i picked up and heard that familiar voice! :) :) It's a call from Seattle, my BESTfriend!! :) :) Im glad shes back in Seattle with her family and friends :) :) I told her about my tanning on monday and how much I miss her! Oh, i also told her I was afraid she will forget about me as time goes by, and she said I am being silly.. :) :) We talked a little and she hadda go off to meet somone together with Lindsey :) :) So, BESTfriend, I am so happy that you called me! :) :) She said she will call me again :) :) I look forward to it! :) :) Her call made my day! :) :) And she is sooo silly, she actually asked me not to study too hard! :) :) You're so silly, BESTfriend! :) :)

Jeremiah 1:4-8

The Lord gave me this message: “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations"
“O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!” The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!”

I was reading Jeremiah 1 and 2 last night and i saw this portion of the scriptures :) :) It just makes me marvel how age was never an issue in the Kingdom of God. Maybe in the world, being young means you've got not enough experience and authority. Being old simply means you're useless and old. But in the Kingdom of God, its just so different! Look at Abraham, as old as he is, he is known as the friend of God, the father of many nations! At the age of ninety-nine, God asked Abraham to serve Him faithfully and live a blameless life (Genesis 17:1-3)

Look at Timothy! Paul always reminded him that he can do exploits as young as he is! Look at David, he defeated Giant Goliath with just a stone! Look at Jeremiah! He was young but God appointed him as a prophet to the nations!

I marvel at the way God does things. Its always unexpected, its always mysterious but its always right! :) :) If God can use Jeremiah as young as he is, God can use YOU! :) Yes, YOU! WHoever thats reading this now, God can use YOU!! :) Dont despise yourself just because you're young! :) :) You will never know the great things that God has planned for you to accomplish in life for His glory! :) :)

Who's the beach bum?

2008-08-12T00:06:00.005+08:00

Two more days to exams... HAHA!

So, it was decided that we hang out together today at the beach :) Picked me up at AMK at 10ish and we're on our way to SENTOSA!! :) :) I CANNOT believe we actually did spend 12hours today together.. *OH MY WORD* :) :) So, chose our spot and get our stuff out, soon we're found lying on the sun bed.. :) :) IT WAS JUST AWESOME! :) :) Tanning with my good friend beside me :) :) AWESOME! with a jug of iced cranberry juice :) :) It was just perfect! Talking stuff and laughing was... GOOD! :) :) We were actually at the beach for.... 7 hours! OH MY GOODNESS! and of course, we both are like lobsters now but im worse off! ;) Then we had KOREAN food for dinner! :) Its nice!!!! i like the crunchy tao ge! hahaha! LOVE IT!! So, i had HEAPS of fun with you today!!! :) :) Im glad we hang out! :)

Im actually gonna study for 14 hours tmr, i pray ill survive! *discipline!!*

I still miss you... i wonder where are you right now? on the plane or already reached? Im praying for you :)

Here am I

2008-08-11T01:04:00.003+08:00

I want to be who God has already planned for me. I want Him to mould me into who I am called to be, it will be painful as He removes the extras in my life, but i know its all for the bigger picture. Even though now i dont even see a single thing but i know He knows and sees it all. "Here am I"

At some point in life, we tend to love the blessing that God gave us more than we supposed to. When this happens, God has to shake us outta it and bring us back on track again. That happened to me once, but im glad to say that I going back on track now ;)

Humans are always humans. No matter how well you did, they still have something to critique on! Just when you thought you gave God your very best, you hear stuff about you and it just crumbles everything down again. It stinks so bad to hear things about you and you cannot even go to that person and clarify. STINKS SO BAD!

i miss you so badly.. i wish you didnt have to leave... :(

I marvel..

2008-08-04T00:30:00.005+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MABELHOMAYPOH!!! :):):):)

mY SPaStic FacE!! They hatEs it when i get spastiCC!!!!AnotheR spasTic one!! :):)

I prayed the night before.. "Let me see worship in Heaven, let me hear the sound of praises in Heaven" So, God answered my prayer! :):) When the song "Lift Up Your Eyes" was sung.. it all became so real to me. It was as if i was in Heaven, joining the angels in worship, praising God! Dude, im gonna remember that moment!! :):):) Father, I really marvel at how You do things :):) I caught it. I caught the joy I have, the glow on the face when Cassandra talks to me about worship, i caught it all today! :):) And i pray it will stay in my heart forever! :):) God, I marvel..:)

When people of the Bible caught a glimpse of God, their lives were changed. Perhaps our lives remain stagnate because we do not spend enough time looking at Him. It is sad that some Christians never understood the meaning of born again in the Spirit. It is a new life, a new beginning in God's Kingdom! When we first accepted Christ as our Savior, we caught a glimpse of Him. We changed. As time passes by, the glimpse that we caught before slowly fades away and before we knew it, we become stagnant in our walk with God. Somehow living as Christian is not as exciting as we thought. Somehow living as a Christian seems much harder than we thought it would be. All because we forgot the first glimpse that we caught of Him when we first got saved! It's almost like we totally forgot about Someone up there, waiting for us to turn our eyes back and take a look at Him, to keep on catching a glimpse of Him. I pray that we will keep on spending time looking at Him so that we will not be mediocre Christians but Christians sold out for Christ because He has paid the price for us! :):):) Christians cannot remain stagnant!! :):)

I had the chance to just talk to Daddy King last night while they were outside laughing SUPER loud! :):) LOL!! So, i lie on the bed and started talking to Him. and cried myself to sleep. it was GOOD! :):):) I never quite understand how can people talk to God when they cannot even see/feel Him. But now i do! I experienced it FIRST HAND last night! :):)

In every season, You are still God and my lips will still praise you forever! :):):)

Do Not Fear

2008-07-27T23:09:00.004+08:00

"See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands."

It gives me a reason to believe that He loves me.

"Listen to me, you who know right from wrong you who cherish my law in your hearts. Do not be afraid of people's scorn, nor fear their insults. I, yes I, am the one who comforts you. SO why are you afraid of mere humans, who wither like the grass and disappear? Yet you have forgotten the LORD, your Creator, the one who stretched out the sky like a canopy and laid the foundations of the earth. Will you remain in constant dread of human oppressors? Will you continue to fear the anger of your enemies? Where is their fury and anger now? It is gone!"

The perfect love that will casts away ALL fears ;) Not the spirit of fear but the spirit of God! =)

Spirit of God

2008-07-26T00:46:00.004+08:00

Shuai has a friend by the name of Cassandra Ong *inserts chinese name* Three years back, Shuai decided to befriend Cassandra. They started talking on MSN. Two years back, Shuai met Cassandra at the corridor of Elim Church, 4th floor and gave her a hug. They started hanging out and texting and emailing each other ever since then. On 01 July 2008, Cassandra arrived in Singapore to embark on her Asia Trip. And today, Shuai and Cassandra are best friends =)

On the way to Sentosa
Katrina, Kira, Cassandra & Shuai

"So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”

a new season.. new friends.. new goals.. BUT the same FAITHFUL DADDY KING! =)

Good Samaritan

2008-07-20T23:42:00.003+08:00

The week that Cass was in Singapore, Ps Raymond preached on "Make me a blessing to someone" When i heard, deep in my heart, it was hurting.

Two weeks later aka today, Ps Peter talked bout the philosophy of the Good Samaritan - "Whats mine is yours." Again, my heart was hurting a tad bit when Ps Glen talked about "Being a blessing to someone". One year ago, Ps Glen preached about being a blessing to someone. That someone was my Good Samaritan. That someone really lived out the philosophy of "Whats mine is yours". That someone took my hand and walked through the one year with me. That someone went all the way and even out of the way to bring me to where I am today. One year later, it all ended with "Im puling back..." Of course it hurts, but i got smacked right at my head today at altar call. God dealt with me and now its MY turn to be the SOMEONE to someone out there that needs my help. =) and it will begin with my carecell members =) Guess this is what Uncle Chon said.. "Serving People"

Thanks for the note of encouragement!! =D It matters to me alot for my leader to write it to me! Thanks ah!! *i wonder if he reads my blog*

Contemplating

2008-07-16T23:54:00.004+08:00

Sir Faizal text me this morning =) Asking if i wanna watch their performance at National University Cultural Centre on 24th July 08, 730pm. In my heart, i REALLY want to go, Ive not seen my lil juniors for 100000000 years and i miss listening to classic pieces. I've missed sooo many of their performances and each time i feel so bad to reject Sir when he invites me. GRRR..! And each time i reject was because i have to be in church. Not that im blaming church, its just.. i really wanna see them perform. Should i go or not? There is practice on that day tho.

FREEEE suan mei!! WEEEETTTS! =D it was a pleasant surprise! fish cake is kinda nice! Oh, actually Pasar Malam food is nice FOREVER!

Apple iphone is STUPID because... my fingers are too fat to type the words. OH WELL!

Lord, give me patience with them please. I just dont wanna lose my patience. Oh wait, i already did today. PATIENCE...!!!!

Ok Daddy King, i get it. I know it. But i just cannot accept it. I cannot do it.

ANd i seriously need SLEEP. SHUi jiaO!!! Ive not slept.. ehhh... since monday??? perhaps naps. Im dying.. ya, DYING.

.......

2008-07-13T22:40:00.008+08:00

"WAH LAU!"

"WAH LAU EHH!!"

"WHAT THE.."

"Just kill me pls!"

"!@$#%@"

"CHUAN BU SHI JIA DE! JIA DE REN! JIA DE DONG XI! *puis* "

I had every reason to get angry at you. I had every reason to doubt you. But I went against all the doubts in my mind to believe you. Time and time again, i went against all the doubts in my mind, keep trusting you. I never had the heart to get angry at you. I always choose to erase everything and kept on trusting you. But ultimately, its only God tt i can trust wholeheartedly.

That was my reaction the entire day until i talked to my dear DEBZ and uncle chon! =) Ok, uncle chon thank you so much!!!!! Uncle chon is always so patient with me! Thats good i guess! Ya, learnt a lesson and ill do my action steps! =D

Thanks for the text on Sat morning and the book today! =D

Each time i commit to forgive, when situation arises again, then i realise, wah lau.. Ive not really forgiven lo. This is going to take time. i hope it doesnt take too long. I need to release that person from my heart!! OH MY WORD, God help me! It cannot be any clearer than this. Ps Glen talked about forgiving.. perhaps that person already moved on, and here am i.. still hating that person for what that person has done to me. WHATS THE POINT? Cripple me only, i CHOOSE to forgive and release that person.

Something to be privileged bout! Min asked me to be one of her JIE MEIS!! =D Weeeets!!! Im so going to bully the Brothers!! Uncle Chon and EH, Watch me! im going to torture u two esp!!!! *EVIL LAUGHTERS*

Girl, you were right. i need to practice what i preach. Whatever i told you, i myself hafta do it also. Thanks for being there today, even tho its just msn. But watch me, i will pratice what i preach. You too, you're getting stronger each day! SO proud of you! =D LOVES!

"No"

2008-07-12T04:15:00.005+08:00

When will i ever learn to say "No" ? It just seems so hard to say "No". I just want to be a nice person, but sometimes it seems like being nice is not really helping in certain situations. How many times i got frustrated because i had to do things that weren't my responsibility yet i could not say "No" and ended up doing it. How many times was my act of kindness taken for granted just because i dont know how to say "No"? How many times i have to clean up people's leftover work because i dont know how to say "No."? How many times must someone ask me "Are you ok?" and i always say "I am fine" when i am obviously not fine? Just because i dont know the word.. "No". I am just angry that i dont know how to say that word "No"

i hate it when i dont know how to say "No". i really really hate it. i hate it when i can express myself so well in my entries but can never do the exact same thing in real life situations. i hate how i keep quiet even though i have alot to say. i hate it how i always say "Ya, Im ok" when im obviously not. i really dont like the Shuai that never knows how to express herself in words. Daddy King, i need some help here!

"Don't do things that won't make you happy" i just wish i can fully understand this statement.

Sis jean gave me a homework that i think unless God grants me the boldness, ill never be able to do it. I just pray that I'll get it done soon.

I knew it! I knew it will come, i just didnt expect it to come so fast. Its barely three weeks and i pissed you off AGAIN. That same old feeling came back again, and Debz knows how scared i was. Debz knows how afraid i was that history will repeat itself, that the fine crack will open up again. I didnt mean to make you feel like an idiot, it was never my intention. You know your concern matters to me, but i hate it when i just dont know how to react in the correct way. I should've just said "No, im not ok" but the truth is i didn't. You had to ask me three times, still i chose to say "Ya, everything is ok". When you literally raised your voice at me, i was just taken aback. You never did that to me before lo. But the reason for my reservation was simply because, i am just a friend. Sounds weird? Yea, as weird as it is, i am just a friend. The thing that is bothering me, idk if i should even say it out because i am just a friend. Well, now that Ive seen how pissed you were at me, i should have just told you. Why must i always piss you off? Are there any moments that you even feel happy with me around? I am just.. sorry... I think i failed the test again, oh crap.

I led worship today. the very first time with a full band. Boy, God knows how scared i was. Boon Liat knows how scared i was. The wall that Derek talked about, I sensed it during the team's short worship session. There and then, fear just gripped me. I suddenly lost it, I dont know if i can really bring God's people into His presence. I just lost it, lost it all. God, "Was it pleasing to You?" It was the spiriutal part that bothers me.

On my way home, Boon Liat text me, an encouragement that i needed so much. I needed someone to tell me that its just the beginning, dont give up. I needed someone to say, Im proud of you! Of all people, it has to be Boon Liat that did all these. Of all people, it was Boon Liat who said it to me. He said this "God used you to wake me up. I saw you grew up, spiritually." This statement that he made, i can only say.. Thank God! I managed to tell him how i felt about the entire worship. Well, as usual, he gives me his ear and say.. "You did fine, dont give up." Guess that was enough. Enough for comfort. Enough to show that God sent him to do all these. But i am still keeping my distance from him, its hard, but i hafta do it anyhow.

It's already 5am, think i can go for mac breakfast. HAHA!

Seriously, when will i ever learn to say "No"? When.........? In church is like that, At home is like that, In school also like that.. when will i ever learn to say "No"?

Friend

2008-07-08T17:59:00.009+08:00

I just love this picture =)

No, im not telling you guys how much fun i had with my silly girlie! =) KIDDING! ill say soon. When i have decided to. haha! She is my friend for sure.

I checked urbandictionary.com for the meaning of the word "Friend". Here's some i got. Some are really funny!

A real friend is someone who:

1) it's OKAY to fart in front of. *Looks at GF!*

2) A person who would never intentionally hurt you, lie to you, deceive you, manipulate you, abuse you and who takes great care to be kind to you, honest with you, dependable and loyal. Someone who you trust without question because they have never given you any reason not to trust them. Someone you enjoy being around and look forward to seeing. Someone who would sacrifice themselves for you.

3) who knows the real you, witnesses you going through changes but loves you all the same not to be confused with backstabbing witch who smiles to your face and talks behind your back

4) Someone who you hold dear. Maybe not someone you'd marry, but you'd never want them to leave. You want them to be part of your life forever, even it's just hanging out, or the occasional discussion during lunch.

5) Someone that can make you laugh, at any point in time. He/She will always care about you even if you had a huge argument

6) someone that that we go to when we need a lift *HAHA! Looks at GF again! MY LIFT cos im your PA*

7) someone that isnt there because of duty (Awwww.... !!)

Its funny to see how everyone has different definitions of the word "friend". But, ultimately if one can recognise that friend is one you should cherish, i think the friendship will go one level up! I have one favourite definition out of the 7 up there. Do you have one? =) Well, mine is actually no. 5! the part where it says, He/she will always care bout you even if you both had a huge argument! =) Its just so so lovely and it only shows one thing that both friends care about each other ALOT. So, humans! go and have a huge argument with your friend and if he/she doesnt care about you anymore after that, give him/her up! OH i was SOO kidding!!! =D Dont ever do that! Cherish every single friend you have! =D

Can i just share with you guys what my definition of the word "friend"? Well, you dont quite have a choice, cos its my blog! HAHA! =D

A friend is someone who will stand by me no matter what, who will tell me the truth, nothing but the truth even if it hurts. =) A friend is someone who loves me for who I am and will not demand me to be someone that is not a single bit like me. A friend is someone who cares for me even if we are miles apart. A friend is someone who gives me a hug when im crying *AWWWW* A friend is someone who is just my FRIEND! =D

So, dont give me a reason not to trust you. yea.

....dumb butt.... show me your parrot brain... oh my heavens... =D Sometimes, its really the little little things they say that will make me laugh the WHOLE DAY! =D

CHOOSE to.

2008-07-06T02:15:00.007+08:00

So, the primary role of a Christian leader is to serve others. Was it hard to take for me? YES. i TOT i was already placing people first. Well, guess the truth is when you think you did, you actually didnt quite make it. =) I did place people first, people that i love lo! Like what Sis Jean said, God places people like that to show me my blind spots. I just hafta learn to look at things differently! I may have teared during the evaluation, but its the action steps that i gotta start thinking about now.

Lord, i CHOOSE to forgive.

Guess i had a bad morning. So much so that during music practice, i had sucha hard time trying to sing, trying to just let go.

Lord, i CHOOSE to forgive.

I went for threading!!!! It was just totally hilarious!! I must have been the JOKE OF THE DAY for the shop! Haha!

Lord, i CHOOSE to forgive.

Even though it was just Macdonalds, i had fun! Even though it was a porking session, i had fun! Even though it was just DVDs, i had fun! Even though it was just your house, i had fun! It wasnt any grand restaurant, any grand cinema theatre, not town, it was just their house and DVDs and Macdonalds' and THREE AWESOME LADIES! GF made my DVD marathon happened! WEEEETS! =D And for sure, i WANT american guys! HAHA!

Its the little things you do that makes me appreciate you more than before! Thank you! =)

Lord, i CHOOSE to forgive.
Lord, i CHOOSE to forgive.
Lord, i CHOOSE to forgive.
Lord, i CHOOSE to forgive.
Lord, i CHOOSE to forgive.
Lord, i CHOOSE to forgive.
Lord, i CHOOSE to forgive.
Lord, i CHOOSE to forgive.

As gay as my italic words may sound, Cass taught me this. If i dont start appreciating people, then dont expect people to appreciate you. WHOA! =) And she said this to me over and over again. "Dont do things that wont make you happy. Do it only when it makes you happy"

I think I know who is my source of motivation.

Lord i CHOOSE to forgive.

Ripple Of Effect

2008-07-04T09:22:00.003+08:00

"why dont i see you at Causeway point then we will decide what to do? In this case, we can be together for the whole day.. =)" I MISS SUCH WORDS!!!! *jumps around!* Will dedicate just ONE post just for her! SOON! Not because she is angmoh, but because she has been a great friend to me! (To whoever that thinks im crazy over angmoh. Yes, she is angmoh, but more than an angmoh, she is MY friend!) Just simple messages through facebook that helped me through. She cares in the little ways she knows how to. =)

Titus 3:14
This verse just spoke to in me sucha sucha different way. It ties back to what Debz and i talked about the other sat. And heres what i got "Ripple of effect" Debz and i SEE the wall, but they dont. SO what do we do? Hang loose and expect something to happen? Or, do we actually DO something so that the wall by God's grace can be broken? Yes, we said this wall is REALLY big and strong. the 'big fishes' are inside, that makes it twice as hard as it can be. But i guess being outta the circle made me see things in a very very different view. I think everyone wants to be IN that circle and my question is. "why cant those inside come OUT instead? why must the others TRY so hard to get it?" and Debz said... "cos they are inside what? how they know they are inside?" True uh? Its a transparent wall that others can see but they cannot. To be honest, i was once like those, wanting to be IN that circle. But the truth is, its HARD.. super uber HARD! ive quit trying to be in that circle. Afterall, i just want to be with those that i am comfy with rather than the popular group. (i suddenly rmb what cass told me two years back. "Be who you are." Talking about getting real uh? *hehe*)

Ok, ive drifted from my "Ripple of Effect" this is how it goes, it takes a stone to cause a still lake to form ripples right?*i hope its right* But the stone DONT have legs, someone HAS to go pick up the stone and throw into the still lake. But who is going to make that move? All we need is someone who will be that bridge between the inside and outside, to cover up the gap, and hopefuly break the wall.. Are YOU the someone?

Of course i can guarantee that once there is a ripple, someone notices it, soon, many will come and give a helping hand! i BELIEVE in copycats! *winks* this type of copycats are GOODDDD! Oh, FYI.. to be the SOMEONE, its not going to any easier than you think uh! Better make it known. And, i hereby give an invitation to those who wants to join me in being the SOMEONE.. we can hve many many someones! That will make the work easier ;)

Haha, i think everyone in the inside is going to hate me for typing out this post. But, you know what? I DONT CARE. its not about you people anymore, its about growing, the youth HAS TO GROW!! and unless someone initiates to throw in that stone/pebble, its just going to be like that til who knows when. like what Debz said, if the wall dont come down, people wont come in. Sad uh? But, yea. its true!

I'm like a bottle that bottles up everything, waiting for some kind soul to come and open up the lid.

HAHA! i just tot of that statement and it sounds kinda cool uh? But come to think of it, ITS TRUE!! i dont have a bf to tell my everything.. i dont have a sister to tell my everything.. So, i pray for a kind soul aka a friend to come by once in a while to open up that lid to hear me!! HEHE! IM appealing for a friends now!!! Audition will be on 06 July 2008, 1230PM! *Im so kidding about the appealing and auditions!*

SHUAI NEEDS AN EMOTIONAL RELEASEEEEE!!!

I care.

2008-07-03T01:00:00.002+08:00

Lord I lift my friend to you
Ive done all that i know to do, I lift my friend to you
Complicated circumstances have clouded her view
And Lord I lift my friend up to you

I fear that I wont have the words, that she needs to hear
I pray for your wisdom oh God, and a heart that's sincere
And Lord I lift my friend up to you

Lord I lift my friend to you, my friend in the world
I know she means much more to you
I want so much to help her, but this is something she has to do
And Lord I lift my friend up to you

'Cause there's a way that seems so right to her
But you know where that leads
She's becoming a puppet of the world
Too blind to see the strings
And Lord I lift my friend up to you

i care, but i just dont have the skills yet. All i can do now is to pray for you. =)

i had a weird dream yesterday. its scary but its obviously God telling me something.. heres my question.. "So does that mean even having conflict with the person, i still can work together with him/her in the team during worship?" HAHA. what a question hor? But, ya.. i really dont know the answer.. who wants to answer me?? =D

Stuff.

2008-07-02T01:08:00.006+08:00

Its July alrdy... *heart sinks*

Its been two months.. *heart sinks*

One more month to semester exams *heart sinks*

Im suppose to hand in my results to ZQ on fri *heart sinks*

The half a year review is this coming Sat *heart sinks*

Nowadays, I'm getting a little cranky.. *heart sinks*

Its been four months since i became CCL *heart sinks*

Im back up-PING this Sun *heart sinks*

Im having difficulties talking to people this few days *heart sinks*

Ive been spending time ALONE and its not very good *heart sinks*

My sleepless nights are starting soon *heart sinks*

Love letter from the school *heart sinks*

French oral was just a total flop *heart sinks*

So many things that made my heart sink, but I still find peace. Things that scared the living hell outta me, but learning to stand still in His presence is really important. What if I cant pass through this semester? I'll be in DEEP shit.. Going to Starbucks is not working anymore, i end up sitting on the couch and staring out at the window. OH NO! *Wisdom is MUCH MUCH required*

Ive been thinking about my ministry as a CCL..

Thinking about whether to acquire the skills of a lifeguard or to get a qualified lifeguard to save you..

And, im facing ZQ for the review this coming Sat.. i wish GF can be there.. but oh well... the last time i had a review, it was BAD... really BAD!! *pouts*

My results for last term are not fantastic..in fact, i barely made it.. talk about setting example, i am definitely NOT setting any good example.. grrrr...!

Its already July, gosh... if anyone talks to me about accomplishment right now, ill prolly shuddap.. ive only screwed things up the past few months, im slowly picking up the pieces now..slowly but surely.. =D this goes back to the review.. i couldnt even answer the question on what have i accomplished.. RETARDED ME!

Big Daddy, im really afraid to go for the review alone.. =( very very reluctant to do so..

Disclaimer** I AM NOT EMO!! Its just stressed and fear... KEKE! =D

"Your eyes have seen my sins, yet You look on me with love and watch me rise again.. Your Voice that calms the sea will call out to the rain and calm the storm in me"

Proudly present to you, Blueberry Bagel! =D

Finishing it...

OK, IM SATISFIED! =D *all cleaned up!*

Its like Ive been waiting the whole day to eat the bagel, and when i walked to the counter.. I saw this ONE LAST PIECE LYING THERE SAYING "Shuai, Ive been waiting for you!" HEHE! Should hve taken a pic of myself with that BIG WIDE SMILE when i saw the bagel there la! and myword, a stupid cream cheese costs 70cents?!?! SO EXPENSIVE!! Back in HK, i can have free flow of cream cheese and bagel for all i want la! WAH LIEWWW....!! HK.... I miss you..! hahaha!!

I rmb the prophecy two years ago about me.. Mitchelle reminded me on Sun.. She told me to hold on to it no matter what... *Awwwww..!!!* i rmb the times when Raju and Mitchelle will entertain Sam and i when we happily barged into their room.. the times Raju made me feel so welcomed in the youth when i first joined.. the times Raju would shake my hand and i can feel my fats wobbling *GROSS*.. the times Raju would cook us GOOD curry.. the times when Mitchelle will give me a hug, a hug that simply shows she cares... a simple question "Dear, are you ok?" that shows sooo much love. Guess, now it sets in that they are not in Singapore.. that ill not hear the loud voice of Raju on friday.. the wide smile of Mitchelle on friday... Will defnitely miss them, but definitely will save up to visit themmm! =)

Not again.

2008-06-29T02:18:00.006+08:00

Ok, its like 2.19am and Shuai is right here online. =) must be the dark mocha frappachino kicking in... tsktsktsk! or issit Shuai is getting alil emo here? *wonders*

20Feb05, i sent her off with some other churchmates at the airport, that very same day, her blog entry was making herself available to me as and when for her to practice her counseling *winks*
15Jan07, the first time i backup for the exact same person as my worship leader. the day that marked my ministry.
24Oct07, the assurance she gave me.
09Nov07, D FIRST Sausage party ever! =)
18Jan08, COCA Steamboat after few nights of not slping.. HEHE!
27Jan08, boo! =(
02Feb08, the talk at TCC
29Feb08, MOVIE Marathon!
04May08, =(

somewhere during this one year, i got names from her like.. tikomatong (for obvious reasons).. tampui (idk how it came about anyway).. i gave her names too... and boy, even tho tampui dont sound quite nice, you know what? ive grown to like that name alrdy...

At the end of reading ALL the entries, one teardrop. just that one. i felt human-ish again. almost one year, so many things happened. More downs than ups? NO... there were actually more UPS than downs.. Debz post this question to me before.. "How we became so close within one and a half years?" If i didnt remember wrongly, i said idk. Yes, up til now.. going to be two months when 04July08 comes, i do complain to Big Daddy! But it gets lesser nowadays. Just that when my mind gets idle, thats when memories slip in and replay everything. Hate idle mind! haha! I cannot deny the fact that she has done her best in every way she knows how to. Its a fact undeniable! and its also a fact that over the course of time of a year, i took her for granted sometimes! im sorry and sorry and sorry. sometimes it just really gets into me, and literally can feel the heart crying "xin hen tong!" but who can i really tell? that sometimes i really struggle.. anyhow, i got alot to say.. much much much more.. BUT, this is still a public blog.. haha! heres my point......

As time goes by, my complains to Big Daddy gets lesser.. my emo moments got lesser too.. my black face kinda MIA for quite sometime *i hope it doesnt come back!*.. i dont seem to get VERY bothered about what i used to be bothered.. ok, one last thing... I think i have learned to run back to Big Daddy everytime when im down... =)

Do i wish for assurance? yes i do. but if there isnt, do i sit there and whine and stomp my feet and demand for one? OBVIOUSLY NOT! one year was all it took to bring me to where I am.. how long will it take now to bring me to where I suppose to be? a question that only God can answer!

Sometimes when im on the train and i see mother and daughter so loving, i get envious. when i see sisters in church (i mean like sisters sisters with e same blood) caring for each other, i get envious too. sometimes i see love overflowing within a family, i get envious. sometimes i see one individual going all out for another, i get envious too. i dont hve a sister, not as if my mum n i are very loving, my family? dont even talk about it. But after getting envious, at the end of the day, its the Love of God that will satisfy me lo! =)

and i def get REALLY REALLY jealous when my mum goes "your brother is eating also, get rice for him" then ME LEH?! how come she dont do it when i join them for sat lunch? boo...! ah, ill just get used to it.. in fact i ought to be used to it.. its a since young thing... like boys are super impt to the family... stupid old traditional thinking... boo!

i cannot help but to feel this way. Out there, there will always be someone just watching me, waiting for me to make mistakes and blah blah blah. =( i may have bombed out the other time but shouldnt everyone be given second chances? well, thats pretty much not the case here.

Ok, im not emo alrdy! but srsly, its the caffeine thats kicking in NOW! uh oh! think ill just continue doing my work til i feel sleepy.

errr, its 3.02am NOW! hahaha!

Be specific!

2008-06-28T00:28:00.006+08:00

HAHA! i had one of the most embarrassing chat today wit sis jean! :P hahaha! like, a topic that i wont wanna touch at least not for now!! haahaha.. but it got me thinking that i should really start praying for it now! :P hahaha! but still.. PAISEH TO TALK ABOUT IT LA!! =)

I ought to be more specific in everything that i do or say. Its true! "i wanna do more" is really a very general statement that if at the end of the year when i access myself, i will probably say "eh, i didnt achieve anything leh!" time to set goals!!! and like what she and sis jean said, BABY STEPS! =) time to think of my action steps lo! dont be a generalist, BE SPECIFIC! =)

GF! thanks for lending me your ears! no, not returning back to you! =) Really appreciate it! the reminder of "He doesnt call the qualified, He qualifies the called!" THANK YOU!! AI SI NI LE! =)

MY WORD! this picture was taken like nearly 4 years ago! ok, i know i look really hideous! but more than the outward appearance, there is a difference if i compare the Shuai 4 years back and now. Shuai then was just a newbie in church and knew nothing about ministry! but today, all glory to God, she stands as a servant of God, serving Him in His church! =) thank God for Sab who reminded me of this! =) all i can say is, it is JUST the beginning...! i am learning to stop telling myself that others are having a easy time going through their moulding process cos they have someone to say "im here for you" =) THANK YOU LORD!!

ok, wed i was just feeling so so lousy about my studies! so, i decided to spend my next two or three weeks in Starbucks to complete my work and revise! =) and i just did it on thurs night! =) felt accomplished when i managed to finish two assignments on my checklist! THANK GOD! =) and i wanted BAGEL but they didnt have it!!! lets just say im suay la uh? looks like threesome is on a BAGEL CRAZE! hahaha =)

4days!! =) i am really excited about her visit!! =)

I want to go tanning! I want to go ice skating! I want to trim my eyebrows! I want to go to the zoo! I want to hang out with GF! I want to hang out with BJsters! I want to go shopping! I want to have another movie marathon! I want to buy that nerdish specs that Debz claims that its not nice. I want to eat chiwamushi from Sushi Tei! I want to eat McFluffy! I want to sit at the beach for hours with myself and enjoy God's creation! =)

And sadly, i can only do all these after I'm done with my schoolwork! boo! TAO YAN! that will take me roughly 3 weeks to at least finish my projects, still have my revision of work leh? AIYO! Shuai has a mountain full of assignments to do!

haha! its to compensate for the gugu-fied looking face of mine! ;p APPARENTLY, i heard from Sarah that someone thinks Shuai is.. AHEM! hahaa! but that comment made me feel a little uneasy tho. YUCKS NOW! hahaha! Is my face really that fat? =(

.....i am not being oblivious to my other friends!!!......
*feels so wronged*

Arms of Love

2008-06-25T00:03:00.007+08:00

I sing a simple song of love
to my Saviour, to my Jesus
I'm thankful for the things You've done
my loving Saviour, precious Jesus
my heart is glad that You've called me Your own
there's no place i rather be than
in Your arms of love
in Your arms of love
holding me still, holding me near,
in Your arms of love

been humming this song while i wasnt in sg.. stuck in my head til i came back.. guess its a song that i reallly want to sing to Him everyday... =) and mean it with all my heart! and also.. it was a moment that i wanna hold close to my heart... that moment... was just .... idk... all i can say is.. that moment, i wanna hold close to my heart like forever.. =)

Shuai is struggling with her school work.. dang... this sucks lo.. i've not recovered from my fever and it really sucks to leave school halfway to go home and slp. its just so retarded.. God help me!

ive been thinking alot bout the conversation i had with Debz.. in fact its bothering me that such thing is happening within the youth.. but im just so limited.. ive been in that circle once but i came out due to some reasons.. and i see that wall.. a very very strong wall that.. is seemingly impossible to break down.. like i said, im limited. i cannot do this alone. God, give me wisdom!

i miss writing notes to you....

cass is coming back real soon!! YAY!! like.. YAY!! but im scared i dont hve all the time to acc her.. boo! thats not good.. i dont like it.. boo!

was talking to Sam about certain stuff.. like how someone will feel so lost when he/she loses someone who is so important in his/her life.. and when one clings on to a particular person so much, God just shakes you out of it. and its so painful!!! its like.. you think you'll probably be lost without someone.. and that sucks! and it will take time to get over it that you have lost it... and GET OVER IT! i dont like.. i dont like going through sucha process.. i never liked it.. i still dont like it!! boo!!! its painful to go through but i HAFTA go through.. why? i complain... i still complain to Big Daddy about it.. I DONT LIKE!! but what to do? its for the bigger picture... boo! =(

you're really growing up sis =) its different talking to you now.. thats a good thing.. =) continue to learn more as others teach/mentor/guide you =) love ya!

huiling is a BIMBO! =) hahaha!!! but i like it! :P

contented! =)

2008-06-23T20:10:00.008+08:00

check out the cool shades!!! i spent my weekend with THREESOME! =D even tho it was just few hours.... i think it was a good few hours with them! =) far more than i can imagine! i was just happy to be out with them lo! just that few hours... i am contented!!! staring at Debz eating her bagel.... just makes me laugh... haaa! this woman is gaga-ing over a BAGEL.. my word! hahaha.. starbucks bagel summore! -.- buying that shades was even funnier! how we try to convince Debz to buy with us.. haha! and Debz obviously insisted that its not nice.. HMM?? making fun of the da de... was the BEST PART! i miss the making fun.. and im sure we had a good laugh with all the smses and stuff eh? hehe! all in all... really am contented.....

the chat with you from hip diner to balcony... was eye opening =) lets be the difference, the bridge between the inner and outer circle... =) sis, i really want to see you step up.. cos i really believe He has something good for you! yes, i know u hate making such impt decisions.. BUT u know what.. after making the decision that God wants u to make... you will find joy in doing that ministry in which He has called you to! =)

was just reading through all my entries.. realised.. i miss those names i used to call her.. GF.. my mentor.. ms-thinks-she-is-impt!! what? im just being real here la.. i miss alot of things lo.. being real.. get real la dey! hehe! ..... still i am contented for that one more try.....

back to school! and the feeling SUCKS big time! really dont feel good at all... i was like slping for EMFA lecture... cos i was just feeling soo feverish.. grrrr.!!! i btr not be sick when cass is in SG! even if i am sick... ill try not to be sick... LAME! oh wells.. God, i really dont want to be sick when cass is over in sg!!!! okok, back to school! and i need a GOOD place to study!!! any suggestions??? cos i srsly need a GOOD place for me to finish my assignments............... i hve like 3 major projs to be submitted in 2 weeks.. and guess what? ive done nothing.. crap! how i wish im as disciplined as Amy n Debz uh? fast internet... BUT, i need the internet.. CANNOT BLAME ME...! BLAME THE SCHOOL! *bleah* so now humans, gimme a good place where i can do my work =)

God is just so so so so so GOOD! =) this afternoon aunty nancy sent out an email with regards to she sharing with us bout the song "Who am I".. this song practically starts off my ministry as a back up =) and what encouraged me the most was.. this song was also in my mind since saturday... =) so i replied her =) indeed.... not because of who i am.. but because of what You done.. not because of what i've done.. but because of who YOU are... =) thanks DADDY! who am i? a beloved child of the King of kings and the Lord of lords.... the Creator of the universe... what a great position i hold in Him! i may think im a nobody.. which i always think so... but time and time again... He just keeps reassuring me =) what an AWESOME Big Daddy i have! =)

...i am really contented....

there is this fine crack that im scared ill tear it up again... the sensitive part that i dare not go near.. just plain scared that it will tear again... this fine crack will always be there.. what can i do? idk... everything seems so nice now... i pray each night that i have the wisdom to do the right thing at the right time.. cos im pretty sure.. another test is going to come.. to test me... sure im scared tt ill fail the test... but still, ill trust in Him...

that altar call on sunday.. confirmed EVERYTHING.. the word.. "MORE" just keeps coming back to me.. and when sunday came.. i knew what it meant... but Lord, i really dont think i qualify.. just look at me... so far.. theres nothing ive accomplished.. nothing i did was right.. i screw up so many things in my life.. im barely picking up the pieces.. are You sure You choose the right person? ahhh... God..... i really dont think im up for it... just not up to it...

Have A Magical Day!

2008-06-21T12:08:00.009+08:00

ARRIVAL!

DAY 2
A380 Taken by Dom! classic uh?

At Ladies Street!

SO LAME!

WHOA! this beancurd.. is SUPERB! really!

DAY 3
On our way to The Peak (PIG)

Random

Waiting to get to the Peak!

Prince Dom?! =)

MY BF! eh, he is kinda hot!

OK! Whose better? Dom or I?? =)

Dom's the MAN!

Proudly present to you.. HK GOOSE!! FINGER LICKING DELICIOUS!!

DAY 4
Sis Lena & Darlene! (On our way to Disneyland!!!)

Dom's attempting to wear my "GIRLIE" jacket he claims!

The Phangs!

DAY 5
Welcome to Disneyland! =)

Space Mountain!

Buzz Light Year!

Coin Press Machine! Its SO COOL! im fascinated by it!

DAY 6
COOLIOS! Dom and i LOVED it!

BYE DISNEYLAND!

Waiting for the fireworks!

Last Shot at Disneyland! =(

DEPARTURE!
Dom, Shuai and Darius! (DSD)

This marks the end of my MAGICAL week at HK! with magically fantastic Phang family =) and mr DOM! =) really blessed to go on this trip! and.. THANKS SO MUCH!!! =) i AM BLESSEDDD! "HAVE A MAGICAL DAY!" =) maybe.. the next trip.. i can go with the threesome! =) i hope it happens!

even though it was a holiday at HK, i guess i still hear from God.. =) there were hard truths to swallow... there were assurance too =) ... there were reminders of things ive said to Him and people arnd me... and.. ultimately, i heard it so clearly this time... "my child, you really hafta get real..." WHOA... sometimes when you think you're just being so real.. the truth is.. you're not exactly that real yet uh? well, thank God He is ALWAYS gracious enough to reveal Himself to me =) the question at the end of the day was... "How much, how far are you willing to go for Me?" its a difficult question to answer... its a question that i am very scared to answer.. im scared of the committment.. im scared im not up to it... but i guess, its a question i hafta answer cos... its all about Jesus! =)

i woke up one of the mornings in HK with the impression of a blog entry that was posted in jan by a particular individual... i went online and read it.. whoa... apple crumble.. it wasnt a coincidence that im going through all these.. She knew it all along.. I read that post before.. but it just never occur to me.. apple crumble's crust crumbled big time... but the Baker is going to bake it all over again and make the crust much stronger than before... =) i still thank God for her being there all along.. even quietly.. i knw she is still there...

God reminded me this about what i told u about a year ago.. lets strive hard TOGETHER in the Kingdom of God, doing His work.. TOGETHER... partnering with you was a joy indeed.. we started off well i suppose.. but it didnt end off well, it sucks that it ended off like that.. its hurtful that it ended like that... but suddenly i got this.. you dont have to be my mentor in worship leading then i can partner TOGETHER with you.. we can still partner TOGETHER in His Kingdom.. even tho i still dont quite know what to do and stuff.. still struggling.. dont quite understand what it really means.. BUT, i trust that God has something bigger for you and me.. be it together as a team or as individuals... =) and yes, thanks for giving me and this one more try.. thank you so much! *hugs* it was AWESOME when i saw your sms that you rmbed im back! =) it was AWESOME seeing you at church! it was awesome sitting beside you once again... it was awesome... awesomely awesome =)

on the last night at disneyland.. we wanted to see the fireworks. and SO FUNNY! what a joke. it started pouring right at the time the fireworks started.. SO LAME! but hahaa....we stood under the shelter.. all i got was a glimpse of the fireworks.. due to the rain and that pinoy guy infront of me.. it felt like.... God is the fireworks... i maybe standing under the shelter.. fighting the rain, fighting the storms of life.. all i need is a glimpse of Him and that is why i am still fighting.. cos i caught that glimpse of God which kept me going on all these while.. =) WHOA...! at the end of it.. all i want is a smile from God saying "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"

10days to the return of cass! =) YAY!!! like.. totally excited!

"HAVE A MAGICAL DAY!"

CAMP

2008-06-16T15:03:00.004+08:00

camp date extended to 20th June 08! LOL!!! =) and i think, another week with the future billionaire aint a bad thing afterall.... i hve quite alot of bimbotic moments so far! :P ok, enough said of my HK trip.. CAMP CAMP CAMP now..

TANNING SESSION! =) *i had fun laughing at the two girls' bimbo-ness!*

PPPFFFTTTSSSS...!!!

and finally.... ITS AMY! *its been ages we took pics tgt... *

missing one picture! wheres the threesome??? oh wells...

after i put down the phone, i wanted to sleep... and then, KACHING! where is my IPOD!?!? and i called u back again and u automatically appeared at the lift to go with me to find =) even tho we didnt find it cos it was in the hall.. but i had one of the most wonderful night... =) as we walked along the beach.. as we talked.. AWWWWWWWW!! *winks* thanks... you've been really sweet! =)

this year.. was really different as how some may mention it.. but then again if u ask why different? i cant answer you at all... it was different with the ppl arnd me, different with God and different with myself.. i was rly forced outta my comfort zone... i wasnt sitting with the same person throughout the three days.. i wasnt stuck with my threesome throughout.. and.. i was really being REAL with God this time.. and He really dealt with me BIG TIME... and on myself... i struggled quite a fair bit. but, thank God.. it all turned out well! even though at the end of the camp, i told Daddy this... "i do wish i was stuck with my threesome, running to their room every night.... sitting with the two of them every service.. every mealtimes.." oh wells! =) still, THANK GOD!

man...... im still reminiscing the moments.. of that hug, the three words she said... it was a hug cos she just wants to give me a hug.... WOAH... its been ages such happened.. speaking of which, MY SWEETIE DEBBIE LIN! =) when i said hi to her on msn last night.. she went.. ""AHH! i miss you! *hugs*" i was... honestly... o.0 i told her.. its been ages someone said he/she miss me... its been ages since i did many things i used to say or do... well... i guess, maybe i can try doing things that ive not done for ages uh? =) thanks debzzz!!! u knw it meant alot to me right? =) LOVE YA!

all in all, camp was good... awesome.. different... and definitely, LIFE CHANGING.....

i kinda miss silly billy milly... =P

UPDATE MORE WHEN IM BACK!

2008-06-14T11:52:00.002+08:00

Location - Coffee club @ T3

im totally excited bout the tripppp!!! =) thank God for the opportunity!!! idk if i can say it out but... I FEEL REALLY BLESSEDDD!! =) or rather i am BLESSED!! and.. i hafta face the future billionaire for the next one week... should i count it a joy or what? =) HAHAHAHA!!

eh you woman... idk what was i saying that night to you.. i think i was like half asleep BUT, lemme go think alrdy then tell you.. i really got soo soo soo much good stuff to tell you! =) thanks for EVERYTHING during the camp.. it was more than i expected.. much much more... as usual... i was still blessed by you! =) in the small little ways....... THANK YOUUUUU!!!!!! dont miss me when im away.. or rather.. dont miss my fats which u soo conveniently pincheddddddddd!!!! hahahaha.. thanks for that hug even tho i asked u a very insensitive qns.. but that hug MEANT ALOT ALOT TO ME... and... those words u said too =)

God just has His own ways of cheering me up.. =) on our way to port dickson.. after lunch.. was just getting a tad bit emo. HEHE! then.... a call came............... guess who is it... CASS !!! CASS ONG!!! ohmywordddd!!! man, i was just sooo happy when i heard her voice AFTER SOOO LONG!!! myword... =) i rly cant wait to see her.. she called me just to tell me she is coming back for a week.... u guys hve no idea how much that meant to me.. just her call... SHE RMBS ME!! =) just that call.. made my entire trip much more happier.. made my entire camp much more happier.. made me HAPPIERRR! even tho during the camp, i hve diff ones that made it happier... but knwing tt cass is coming to sg soon....the stress and everything.. was disappeared!!! =) thank God!!!! i was just smiling to myself from melaka to port dickson... got slp abit.. but the moment i wake up, i only rmb that call! =) YAY!! i will def make my entire week free JUST FOR HER! =)

okkkkk...........BYE GUYSS!! love ya allll!!!! =) more updates n pics to come when im back!

LEPAK AH SIOL! =)

2008-06-08T23:44:00.008+08:00

went out with min ytd to town to SHOP SHOP SHOP SHOP SHOP.....!! =) it was... fun..!!! =) we were like guessing the price of the item before we check it out..... hahahhaa.. that was really funnn! we went to HONG KONG CAFE for lunch and min had some tummy rumbling after eating the porkchop thingy. see HUMANS!! pork makes ppl sick! so, DONT EAT PORK! i had my milk tea which is as awesome as EVER and min ordered yuan yang! =) i like....! and i had a great chat with her over lunch!! i think.... this time as i share with her, i got a lil clearer with what i want and stuff... tho i still hve alot of.. "aiya, idk leh..." but... im pretty sure of where im heading.. thats good right? =) and min accompanied me to find present for her!!! thank youuuu! even though in the end couldnt get the thing i wanna buy as present, but thanks stilll! =) about 6ish i THINK, MR SEREK CAME TO PICK HIS MRS FOO!! MRS FOO! lol...!! OH OH, MRS CHONG FOO!! kekekeke! =) KIDDING!!!!

now heres the best part, i walked from wisma to forum starbuck to meet my lovely bunch of sec school mates!! missed them heapzzz!!! we lepak there until shiok shiok ah siol... crap, camwhored... and just being ourselves =) I LOVE THEM! AKU SUKA LEPAK!! i kinda like their first reaction when they saw me.. "AI2!!!! OMGGGGG!!! U SLIM DOWN ALOT AH SIOL...!!" and honestly, their mouths were like WIDE OPEN FOR LIKE IDK HOW LONG... i knw for the first few mins.. they just kept staring at me.. KEKE! =) but u knw babes? I REALLY LOVE LEPAK-ING WITH U ALL!! oh oh oh, adam was there too! =) we went to the high court outside and lepak n took many many pics... was telling uncle chon that i felt like a model.. *PLUS SIZE MODEL* haaha! i knw i sound very minah-ish.. but im not! =) like being very diversified in my language!! =) there are more pics esp the ones we took and i felt like a model.. but.. it shall only be shown to ppl i wanna show! :P

i just felt really useless after the whole briefing... i felt like a total retard, totally stressed up not knowing what to do.. just panicking and running around.. i was just totally lost out there.. the more i panic, the more i cant get things done.. the more uncle chon ask me call dj, the more im scared... i cannot even be firm with someone, how can i even do anything more? im scared to be firm... i was just on the verge of breaking down... im scared ill screw things up during the camp.. perhaps some stuff i forgot to bring or whatever.. im just totally scared... i began to doubt my ability.. perhaps min shouldnt ask me to be in charge of the worship ... i was just confused... just lost out there la.. just scared i guess.. more than being stressed.. more than being scared... i question my own ability... i wonder why issit i cannot even be firm.. why i always like to do sai gang work?? as in... clean up ppl's mess.... issit me or what??? it irritates me also that im like that... everything also "aiya, nvrm la.. dont scold, ill do it..." as much as im angry tt things are not done.. in the end ill just shut up and do the work on my own.. uncle chon say i must learn to be abit more firm... idk... arghhh.. *goes back to Daddy to draw strength and peace* but thank God for gid, uncle chon, derek and amos for the help! i really appreciate it ALOOOTTT!!! esp gid, he was just so organised.. lucky debz! *winks* and uncle chon keep telling me dont stress dont stress... thank you uncle chon!!! =)

today at lunch.. i really wanted to tell you that im struggling with myself with regards to my ability in accomplishing the work.. but you were just so far away at the other side...... guess this really forced me ALOT ALOT ALOT to stop depending on you.. but still, thanks for telling me not to be stressed! =)

you, yes you... i really didnt feel like eating today cos... really no mood... super super sianned.. but at least i had my milkshake right =) thanks for your concerrrrnnnn...!!! =)

OK, HUMANS IM FINE!!!!!!! I ALRDY RAN BACK TO GOD!!! =) ok, as much as im still stressed and scared bout the camp logistics for worship.... ILL TRUST HIM STILL! He is my GOOD Shepherd! =)

silly billy milly, your call came at the right time =) man, u make my heart melt sometimes.. oh, actually all the time! =) i knw you are nt very excited bout the friends for this youth camp, but just focus on the Lord and all things will be made beautiful in His time =) ever thine, ever mine, ever ours =) *awwwwwww*

i think it runs in the ~~LIN~~ "HO" FAMILY... jill's bimbo-ness... pretty much matches with our dear debz... which pretty much matches with amy.. HMMM! =) but jill really cracked me up with her bimbo-ness of... "what happens if my luggage explode or something.." HAHA! funny la u jill =) our dear jill said this.. "IM NOT LIN, I AM TAN. WE'RE CONNECTED BY HO!" this woman here... srsly... HAHAAHAHHA! =)

WOAH!

2008-06-07T01:26:00.003+08:00

a bagel with a cup of hot chocolate would make a PERFECT afternoon =) thats what i wna do .... SOON! hehee... wanted to do it today BUT was very busy.. so didnt! hahaha.. but anyhow while doing my work.. i stopped and decided to go into reflective mood.. i was just thinking through since the day i stepped into Elim Church up til today... and i saw God's hand upon my life, His mercy, His grace and His faithfulness... =) looking at the ups and downs in my life... i can only say.. He is merciful.. rmbing the dif people He brought into my life to guide me along.... the only thing i regret is closing that door of blessings.. BUT, still... He opened another door! =) see? second chance!!!! =)

was telling min that i am SOOOOO going to sing her westlife songs during camp!!!!! =D hahahahaa, im gonna bring a speaker, connect it to my ipod. and... WESTLIFE!!! A1!!!! BACKSTREET BOYS!!! too bad, i cant find boyzone songs. if not, that wil be in too!!! =) im going to irritate her.. HEHEHEHHEE!! but i know she wont be irritated, infact.. SHE WIL SING ALONG WITH MEEEE!!! =) YAY!!! my roommieeeeeeee!!!!! =) D OPS ROOM! hahahaha *you treat me like a rose.. you give me room to grow.....* MUAHAHAHHAAAHAHAHAHA!!! ahhhhh. im loving her for singing with meeee!!!! =) oh oh oh.. WANG LEE HOM!!! you ditched him UH! hahahahaha.....

today.. i learned a HUGE lesson while sitting there coloring my hair =) THANK YOU GOD! i wont share it here.. BUT, it ties alot with how i handle different ppl dealing with me.... woah! i can only say... He is always GOOOOOOD!! =) and i didnt want to color my hair.. but as i sat there. i look at myself.. and i look very old and gugufied.. SO, i decided that OLD HAIR COLOR MUST BE GONE!! plus, i hve this red extension thingy.. which i love it alot, cos its like my fave color and his fave color too! =) and i am going to put two more when i hve the timeeee! =)

when God dropped yr name in my heart, i wonder if i can do it... i tried turning away from you.. but your name was dropped in my heart again.. so i turned back and prayed for you.. i dont knw whatever i prayed even made any sense to you.. but i did it anyhow... i dont knw why i even cry when i prayed for you.. i am sorry that i left you hanging there for months... but God gave me your name today... and i am going to try anyhow... with His help, i wana see you grow.. i wanna see you changed by His love.. u asked me why i am doing what i am doing.. well, cos in act of obedience to God... and i really want to help you with His strength! =) i really want to walk this WITH you... by His strength and grace... i have my fears of not doing a good job also.. but i will def do my best!

i NEVER experience this before.. i never felt burdened to do anything for anyone ever before! after the whole altar call thing... my heart was just grateful.. cos i know it deep that this is the WORK He is doing........ =) Lord im amazed by You.. truly...... You amazes me..... guess its really not about me anymore... its really time to give out as i receive... to those out there... precious lesson learned!!

20 mins!!

2008-06-05T00:54:00.005+08:00

HAHAHA! watched sex and the city with ling, balls, howen, ym, siti, shuyee and.... DOMINIC GABRIEL!! hahaahaa.... ok, the ONLY reason i CAPITALISED dominic's name COS he is our NEW friend!!! =) and he is realllllly enthu ah sial!!!! of course im pretty sure he had a good lame-ing session with our dear balls.. all her UBER lame jokes! =) but i did have a good laugh at her LAME jokes... =)

issit me or what? i was so excited bout watching sex and the city with them... =) i was so enthu about watching it... =) and when i finally get to watch it with them... I REALISED I LOVE THEIR COMPANY!! awwww....!!!! never once i dont enjoy myself with them!! =) AHHH...... !! and... fb n howen, THANKS for accompanying me down to vivo even though in th end i didnt get to lepak wit you guys! but still, =) thannkkkkkkssss! and cos MR YANG HAO WEN wants to eat.. i was late meeting her!!!!!!!!!!! gugu head! im loving my clique MORE AND MORE AND MORE AND MORE....... MORE... MORE...

even though it was just 20mins.. i had a good 20mins chat with you on the phone from orchard to vivo =) when my phone rang... i saw the name.. i got all happy and for that 20minutes..... i was just chatting with u bout random stuff... i really enjoyed that 20mins!!!!!! thanks for assuring me that it'll all be fine! =) *heres a lil joke*

him: any chio bu going for the camp..?
me: yea, the one that you're talking to now lo *HAHA*
him: ok, other than you.. who else...

HAHAHHA! ok wth right? i very bhb... whatever... hahha!but he AGREEEEEDD! =) hahahahhaa.. okok, im just trying to look on the positive side of his statement! hahhahha

RANDOM

2008-06-03T20:13:00.006+08:00

ok, i just feel like laughing!!! and ive been blogging everyday since 31st.. HMMMM?? lol!!! nvrm, ill just blog as and when i LIKE!! hahahaha..

YAYNESS~! im done with ALL MY TESTS! and.. i think i wont do very well, ive got loads to catch up for term 2! arghh... but still, YAY! at least hols are coming soon!!! =D and... guess what humans, LING RMBED TO TAKE STRAW WHEN SHE BOUGHT ME BUBBLE TEA TODAY!! =D hahaha.. you guys must be wondering why ling n i keep drinking bubble tea.. cos.. I LOVE BUBBLE TEA! that pretty much explain my size =) HAHA!

HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY:

ms chew got irritated by my laughter! hahahaha! cant blame me la! ling, jh and gurlaine were just being soo gugu!! hahahaa.. drawing on each others' lecture book and those things they drew.. UBER NONSENSE CAN?! hahahaa. i just sat there and laughed at them! it was totally hilarious.. CHUN BOON! hahaa... oK, ling can u like just show me the face of chun boon?!?! they described chun boon as the world's ugliest person ever existed.. EVIL RIGHT? lol!!!!

i was just looking through the photos in my laptop... AWWWW, my heart melted when i opened up the "my heart's content" folder.... just reminds me of all the nice and wonderful moments... and i came across this picture.. which i laughed over it for like.. 10 mins on MY OWN! wah, i think im alil crazy. hehehe! TA-DANG!

i just look so FUNNY! hahahhaaa... =) that was... one year ago... i rmb how much fun i had that day.. with everyone!! and God just reminded me this.. "you know that joy you had before, I can give you the exact joy today if only you ask..." =) thanks FATHER!

oh oh oh, franky asked me ytd if i was excited bout youth camp.. i actually answered him no.. OOPS! then in the night... i ask God... "why did i answer no uh?" i very gugu right? haaa... THEN, i got the answer... HEHE.. thats between me and God! hahaha.. but, I REPENT!! ok, im EXCITED BOUT THE CAMP! REALLLLY!! and i know who is my room mate.. as in the one in the same room not house.. YAY! cant wait to room with herrr! =D and.. this youth camp, im actually leading one session.. AHHH! boy im scared la! plus its on my own kinda thing... *shivers* nvrm, im gona trust the Lord! =D

there is this ONE person.. i miss her ALOT ALOT ALOT ALOT!! i have not seen her for TWO YEARSSSSSS!!! was just emailing her the other day... IM SO GLAD she has graduated and now is doing very well! the pics and videos she let me see.. AWWWW! im proud of her.. she is none other than.. CASSANDRA ONG!! doubt she is coming back for church camp this year... doubt she'll ever come back to sg.. i MISS HER!! =(

Moments that worth the laughter!

2008-06-02T23:28:00.003+08:00

ling bought me bubble tea W/O straw.... this is the SECOND time she forgot to get straw alrdy.. but i laughed over it... =)

took straw from Cheers and attempted to poke it into our cup in the middle of a road.. hahaa! and.. we had a good laugh over it, cos it was just soo funny! two girls standing there.. laughing and attempting to poke the straw in.. LOL! =)

ling told me she watched narnia with her salty salty, hw, fb, jh and amelia.. wanted to ask me but she said she knew ill be in church.. so didnt ask. of course she kena from me for not asking me to watch with them, cos i wanna watch...! but the next moment, i say.. "wah lau, couples go out ask me go.. extra only!!!" then her reply was.... "WAH LAU, NVR ASK U, U SAY.. ASK U, U SAY EXTRA.. TSK!" hahaha.. i laughed over it tooo =)

told bec about the comment gladys wrote for me in friendster.. and we started arguing about who is hotter and stuff.... and bec said.. "you crack me up.." hahaaa.. i had a good laugh when we argued who is HOTTER.. and bec.. honestly, the truth shall set you free ok? she is just so funny. she cracks me up! =)

during biz finance lecture, that ryan lionel sat beside ling, talked to ling, took some food from ling.. HAHHAA! guess what ling, i HAD a good laugh over him trying to hit on you! hahahahahaha!!!! the four of us had a good laugh throughout the entire lectureeee!!!! =) ryan is gurlaine's SUPERMAN.. oh he can fly! hahha... can u all sense my sacarsm? LOL! =)

was "fighting" with howen to see who can make the best "yo mama" joke... hahaha! and i engaged the help of silly billy milly cos i knw he listens to the muttons all the time! and only ppl like silly billy milly and howen do stupid things like that.. and.. i WON YANG HAO WEN! tiongbahru, i won upper thomson!! LOL!!! i had a good laugh over the jokes we typed... its sooo funny! ask me about it, i can totally share with you some of it! =)

i was telling upperthomson.. that he is jealous that school starts later for me today.. and i said this. "jealous jealous.. jealous pot!" he replied back... "pot = poor old thing" WTH... HONESTLY, ppl living in upperthomson, esp near causarina prata are totally STUPID! wth la.. POT = poor old thing? BUT I LAUGHED!!! at ppl's stupidity! hahaha... worth it... =)

one last thing...................... silly billy milly wanted me to promise him that i will study hard. HAHAHHAA! i laughed when i saw that he said this.. "study ok? promise?" hahahaha.... LOL! ok, its honestly funny.. cos he himself dont study MUCH either.... and he stil dare to suan me say he dont use laptop to study.. but he said he is studying yet he is online.. o.0 CONTRADICTION!! hahahaa... silly billy milly..... he cracks me up TOO!!!!!

i cant wait to watch movie with tiongbahru, upperthomson, ling, jh and the rest on weddd!!! =)

As If I Dont Have Enough Already

2008-06-01T23:19:00.002+08:00

i crack up each time i open my mozilla firefox and look at 31 May's entry with the modified song, "Healer" HEHE! i rmbed the last time i had so much fun over little things was... when i went to MC and had loadsa fun with the perfumes... oh well... SMILES! okok, im going to admit.. i really miss the fun with her... and her too...

the start of second service.. it was.. different.. same songs we did.. but it was just different altogether.. and deep in my heart, i knew something was going to happen for me.. boy i was afraid.. but, i just believe that He is going to do something marvelous! true enough.. something happened.. this time.. it was for REAL.. i think God just knows my heart la.. HEHE.. cannot hide from Him at all.. =)

even though i prayed that commitment prayer on 24th May, every now and then.. i still have thoughts of running away.. i still have thoughts of giving up.. and i never believed in the phrase that goes.. "when the going gets tough, the tough gets going" it just sounds very stupid.. ok, that was random. hehe! anyhow.. today... really really.. i think God is also tired of telling me the same thing over and over again.. today He said back the same thing.. it came stronger this time... "YOU MS NG SHU AI, MY CHILD, STAY AT WHERE YOU ARE UNTIL I SAY OTHERWISE" if that was not enough... the entire message on Esau.. was like just for me kinda thing..

i was like Esau.. i had thoughts of really dropping everything down and runaway.. even abandoning my studies, my family and church and GOD because i thought... "What good is the all these to me? im struggling so much.. i cant stand it!!" i was stupidly stupid to believe the lies of the devil that i dont deserve anything good in my life.. well, devil did a good job.. but not anymore! ps john also talked about maturity.. boy, that part of the message just made me cry.. honestly.. and then it talked about making choices.. okok, this personal reflection i dont want to say much here. BUT, yes i cried.. but i came out stronger, more committed than before! i think that is what matters moree! =D

it can't be any clearer than this.. He already confirmed what He said and i really cannot bargain this time..

as if i dont have enough issues of life.. my dad now suddenly has leg problems just like my mum.. they are getting older.. their health aint that strong anymore.. the past month.. every sunday im home early.. i look at them.. getting older each day.. it breaks my heart.. sometimes i just wish i can do much more.. but the truth is i cannot.. to make things worse, nothing i do can change their perspective of me.. im still trying hard to honor them.. its hard.. but i really want to honor them.. esp my mum.. brought me up singlehandedly.. yes i complain she is SUPER naggy.. but deep inside.. she is my mum lo! she workedd so that she can provide for me.. my dad, yes he may have let us down.. but he is doing all he can to make up for us.. do i appreciate him for wanting to make up? yes i do.. i believe in second chances, moreover he is my dad.. i really wish i can do much much more for them.. it breaks my heart knowing that i might lose them anytime.. it really does.. esp recently, in the nights... i dont slp well.. i will wake up in the middle of the night to check on my mum esp... when i do my work in the middle of the night.. i see my dad wakes up, disturbed by the pain in his leg.. when i asked if he is ok.. he always answer he is fine.. but he is obviously not lo.. i will just stand there helplessly.. not knowing what to do.. it breaks my heart... my parents... i do love them even though my actions may not show.. i dont know what will happen to me if they are really gone...

FAMILARITY =)

2008-05-31T23:14:00.004+08:00

OH, I LOVE MY WEEEEEEK... God i look forward to having more of such GREAT WEEKS! =)

This entire week... boy, ive seen more old school friends than EVER!! and apparently none of them recognised me.. what is wrong with all these people uh?!?!?! they said some nice words that made me forgive them for not recognising me! KEKEKE! =) lemme just list down who i saw ok?? KEKE! i met... BRENDA (pri school mate), CLARICE (pri school mate), hafiz, yinnz, mabs, jiayi, ruicheng, rongmao, weijie, sebas, yongqiang, gladys and fenn!!! machiam high school reunion those type! hehehe.. =) it felt great seeing those familiar facesss!!! plus it was like met them in school or outside..! boy, made my week so much betterrrr! AHH, I LOVE MEETING OLD SCHOOL FRIENDS! i just cant explain how happy i was when i saw them la!!!! and like im going to meet ema, nabilla and del this sat!! oh lovely lovely.......... *smiles uber wide!*

went out with yinnz n mabs today! =) even though ms mabs was late for ONE AND A HALF HOUR.. i still love her! it was great catching up with them, sec school mates! updating each other bout our own lives... and just sharing everything.. it felt AWESOME!! cam whored like no one's business... did stupid things.. know whats perfect for dinner..? a bowl of perfect laska with loadsa chilli at BLK926 with a bowl of cheng teng for dessert... =) plus a heart to heart talk with yinnz.. BOY. I CANT ASK FOR MOREEEEEEEEEEE!!! the bus ride from habourfront to yishun... as long as it can be... it was one of the best rides i ever had in my ENTIRE LIFE!! listening to music, thanking God in my heart, looking out of the window... boy, LOVELY! =) i felt sooo peaceful can?! =) thank You Father!!!! YAY!!! pics are still with yinnz, shes pretty busy now.. ill get from her later and upload.. and im going to hang out with them real soooooon.... i love them so much!!! HEHHEHEE!! D

in attempt to look like a goldfish -.-

ok, mabs look totally retarded. we all look funny!

yinnz, my back aint that sexy, must u keep taking my backview?! =)

5mins at the beach -.- *and i look really old.. SHOOTS!

heres the song of the week... totally cracked me up when it was sung to me =)

"i believe you are hungry....
i believe you just want to eat.. hamburger..
i believe you are hungry
i believe you are very hungry..
burger is all you need..." - modified from the song.. "Healer"

i LAUGHED LIKE NUTS when i heard him singing... this silly billy milly... only him la! hahaha.. wah lau.. i was just telling him last night that i am hungry and i want to eat macdonald's breakfast. and i was just humming to the song "Healer" and he just have to be himself aka retarded! and he started singing it... i laughed so loud that my mum asked me to shut up. HAHHA! oops! silly billy milly... cracks me up BIG TIME!!! and thanks to him! he accompanied me as i start uploading songs to yousendit.com.. oh, i really had fun uploading sooo many songs ... really.. *can you sense my sacarsm* he is like a... hmmmm... living songbook.. i simply say one album and he can literally name every song in that album la! wah lau..... genius? no.. he is just obsessed i guess! =) and he "predicted" last night that it will rain TODAY! and guess what.. it rained.. idiot... haaha! =)

OH, I LOVE HIM = FATHER IN HEAVEN! what are you all thinkingggggggggggg....?????? =)

i prayed for wisdom.. still praying and will always be praying... =) i love reading proverbs nw.. YAY!!! what a fulfilling week i had! thank You God!!! LOVE YA!

A Thankful Heart!

2008-05-27T22:37:00.005+08:00

you dont need to wait for thanksgiving to give thanks! -.- honestly.. was reading psalms 136 the other day... and, it spoke to me in a much different way =) i pray that God ill be grateful ALWAYS! =)

was just sitting in tutorial just now listening to ms chew teaching us patiently on how to do cashflow statements which btw is uber hard! and the entire psalms 136 came to my mind! =) there are just so many things to thank God for in life! if anyone claims there is nothing to thank God for, i guess there is definitely this one thing you can totally be grateful for.. YOUR SALVATION! that alone, is more than enough to thank God already! =)

situations may arise, people may betray you, friends may abandon you blah blah blah.. at the end of the day, IF only we can fully understand and comprehend the reason why Job was placed in that situation.. all that we are facing... suddenly becomes very very very insignificant.. because at the end of the day, its how we live our lives that pleases God =) one simple way to focus on God in times of difficulties.. is thanking Him! by thanking Him, what you are actually doing is magnifying the goodness of the Lord and minimizing the situation you are in! =) easy to do? nah.. not easy.. BUT, start small! simple things like thanking God for food on the table, thanking God for a seat on the train when you're uber tired.. =) START SMALL!

thank God for a family, a roof over my head...
thank God for my lovely babes! =) aka.. BJsters!
thank God for church mates..
thank God for talents..
and many many many many many more.... =) ill thank God in my own private time! not for you peeps to know yo! hahaha..

silly billy milly.. i thank God for you. =) i knw each time i go home after a long and tiring cum stressful day in school.. i knw deep inside i will def cheer up when i hear your voice =) i cheer up when you call me just to tell me silly jokes which make no sense at all! =) i cheer up when you start singing cheena songs to me *which btw i really dont like cheena songs* =) and i cheer up everytime you say this.. "everything will be alright, bu yao pa!" =) deep inside i know.. somehow you are always there for me.. somehow =) and i really meant it when i said i am SO proud of you!! =) cos i am really proud of you!!! YAY! *dances and sings*

go babe! fight for it and get the money!!! waiting for your treat yo! =)

OH, im happy!!!! and i love being found in His presence!! PERKS ME UP YO!! so much to say.. so little time... im tied up!! ahhh.. bye humans! i needa study for my TESTS LO!!! and humans.. do read psalms 136 and discover a whole new truth for yourself!!!! =)

I BELIEVE!!

2008-05-24T23:14:00.003+08:00

it was His idea!! =) wanted to run away from youth rally, cos i really have loads of work to do.. its driving me NUTS! but, this rally, its like SHUAI is suppose to be there for 24th may 08, 6pm! cos DADDY has something to tell me! =) thank You! =D

worship was unbelievable!! it blew me off!! =) when we were singing the chorus of "Healer", suddenly God asked me.. "do you really believe?" honestly, i was shocked! really shocked... i kept quiet for a moment and repented! cos i didnt believe.. i had doubts la.. haha! BUT, i told DADDY, ok.. i BELIEVE! i choose to believe! help me! =) awesome awesome!!!! from that point onwards, it was like.. the service was customized just for royal princess, shuai! =)

everything just clicked like never before, the words glenn lim used.. the scriptures.. and finally the altar call song.. it clicked right in!! it clicked in right into the camp theme.. it clicked right into what sis jean talked to me about making a commitment.. it clicked in.. God simply told me this during altar call.. "its time my girl. time to know what I have for you. you are NOT a mistake! u stay at where you are until i say you move.. im moulding you now.. these frogs... when you want me to remove them? " i wept.. really really wept.. it is painful.. but im not going to be as stupid as pharaoh.. im not going to say "tomorrow". i answered DADDY, "now Lord, now is the time, im not going to procrastinate anymore, Lord, take Your rightful place and do what is needed to mould me Lord" as painful as it can be.. im pressing on! i look forward to the day when i see God's faithfulness in my life... when i grow out of all these, matured and sold out for Christ! =)

Lord, it was Your timing, and i thank God i went for the rally still.. i stand amazed at what You did during the rally..

marketing is driving me NUTS!!! but thanks min for attempting to help me with me! =)

silly billy milly.. hahaha! he cracks me up! TOTALLY! =)

oh, "carrot is a fruit!" i just find it so hilarious!! hehehe..... something simple can just make me laugh so easily nowadays! =)

Again..

2008-05-22T00:47:00.006+08:00

YAY!!! went out with two awesome freaks today! =) actually, its.. TWO HUNGRY GHOSTS! i honestly thought i went out with two hungry ghosts la! ;p and.. YAY! we watched made of honor!! =) after which we had dinner at s11 and some gugu wasnt full and bought another ramly burger and bubble tea.. HAIYO! hahaha, see? alrdy said i went out with two hungry ghosts! went to the PLAYGROUND near drive thru mac... i had fun swinging myself! =) we all sat on the swings and tried to compete who can swing the highest! =) it was fun, and i felt really carefree just for the 15minutes? we climbed spiderweb... sat there laughing at stupid things =) and, i really enjoyed myself!! =) oh, YANG HAO WEN! u went out with TWO AWESOME BABES! it was not a wasted day yo! haha!

Again, i was defeated all over again.. each time i picked myself up, the devil is just so ever ready to pull me down all over again.. and for 3 whole weeks, i allowed myself to be defeated! argh! this week.. i thought i picked myself up and will never turn back again, damn! the devil did it all over again, monday.. tuesday.. that was it.. i told myself.. "If im going to continue to allow the devil to defeat me all over again... whats the point of picking myself up.. and damn it devil! 26th may onwards.. NO WAY IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO ENTERTAIN YOU EVER AGAIN! IM NOT GOING TO GET DEFEATED BY YOU! YOU HEAR ME?!"

i was walking home just now.. and i was just thinking about what i told uncle chon over msn last night... in the midst of argument with another individual.. i told uncle chon this.. "if anyone thinks im not fit to even be one leader, strip me off my position.." and uncle chon post this back to me.. "do you think i made a mistake? i may hve taken risks in bringing u n dominic into the team, but i dont think i made a mistake.." just now God totally reminded me again bout what DM taught me on sunday.. that God never make mistakes... NEVER.. the creation of me was never a mistake... the situation that im in is not a mistake.. whatever that happens in the future, will not be a mistake! but thanks uncle chon...! =) this is the man that i never ever tried seeking acceptance from but yet he accepted me as who i am.. big lesson learned!

i failed my ICT test... i have marketing report to hand up on mon (ive not done anything! cept for company profile) i have two tests on monday! im really feeling very very lousy now... with all these.. ill end my entry saying...

"when its over, its over.. this is life.. its not like how u watched in made of honor when finally things still work out like how you want.. ultimately, its not what i want it to be.. its how God wants it to be.. its getting a lil ouchy now.. but, i guess, somehow.. i knw deep in my heart, im going to pull through this!"

ROARRR!!! GRRRR!!!

2008-05-20T22:20:00.002+08:00

something out of the norm =) blasting A1's "Ready Or Not" under the sun with fb was outta the norm =) singing along with the song was outta the norm =) taking pictures with strangers was outta the norm =) walking along the beach looking for kids to take pic with was outta the norm =) buying that 23bucks beach towel was DEF outta the norm *ling, stop telling me how nice your mat is, im sure my towel is btr!* =) not forgetting, wearing the exact same colored top as fb, with skinnies and belt! that was outta the norm! =) we looked like a couple but oh pls, i dont wanna be couple with you balls! =) sitting outside, at the rooftop eating my ATAS hokkien mee was outa the norm! =) one more thing outta the norm, AMELIA came! that was really not very normal! hahahhaa!

lying there at the rooftop, looking at sky, hearing you talking about your future goals.. honestly, im happy you are thinking of the future =) i may not understand but just keep holding on ok? *hugs*

---------------

honestly i was SUPER pissed! i really was damn pissed! here i am trying to work things out, but apparently whatever i do, whatever i say, there is something to criticise! GIVE ME A BREAK LA! im brought to a point where i really cannot be bothered at all to what is happening around me! honestly, if anyone is angry at me, go ahead.. i cant be bothered.. im SICK AND TIRED of trying to please everyone on the face of the earth, forgetting who i really am... forgetting to please my one and only Master! honestly, I AM PISSED STILL!

i still remember how i can never get really pissed at someone and will never even want to use the word "screw it" on someone.. but i was shocked i said that to fb about how pissed i am.. whatever...

you, yes you.. whoever is reading this.. dont try to interpret my words.... u wanna make guesses, go ahead.... dont come and ask if im talking about you.. cos... i dont think ill even entertain you =) guess all you want... interpret all you want... do whatever you want...

---------------------------------------------

silly fellow! i called you in the middle of the night cos i had no one to shout at.. and you made yourself available to me! =) you hear my rants, my screams and all you did was ok ok and tried all you can to cheer me up =) i was cheered up.. even though im still pissed, i was cheered up! i told you my stomach hurts like mad and all i had today was a cheese burger and papaya milk, you instantly went like " ahhh! no milk!! gastric cannot drink milk..!" later on , you saw me online, stilll you went "eh! no milk no milk ahh!!" =) silly arse, i already drank la! haaha.... you are the crazy boy, im not the crazy girl! idiot.. hahaha! buddy buddy yo yo!!

10kg more to lose man! grr!! i hope i make it! =)

no turning back.

2008-05-17T00:08:00.003+08:00

This week ill call it... "helluva week!" i HAVE TO MOVE ON!! no turning back...!! i have to LET GO!! convince myself to let go and move on!!!! actually, ive already convinced myself... now... its what im going to do to move on... hmmm, working on it la! i need to be a lil more patient man.. QUIT TRYING ON MY OWN!! grrrr...!! HAHA!

the only thing i wanna remember for this week was that one and only peaceful moment i had! i must say, it was the HIGHLIGHT of the week! =) lying there, not thinking about anything, not opening my mouth, not distracted by noises, not even closing my eyes at all.. just me and me alone for one hour, staring at the clear blue sky... for ONE WHOLE HOUR... and i suddenly smiled to myself! *sounds very retarded right? whatever* suddenly got revelation! btr than being a tampui! hehe... that is exactly what God wants me to do! quit moving around! quit trying so hard! fix my eyes on Him! quit getting distracted by things around me.. just keep my focus on God!! that one solid hour... PURE PEACEFULNESS! it was plainly peace, peace and peace still.... thank You God!!! i want more of this... never felt that peaceful for a long long time.. thank you DADDY! love YOU!!! =D

OH, im taking up that challenge!!!!

uncle chon, haha! thanks for your cookieees!!!! really!! =)
and.. mr big butt! =) thanks for the concern!! not like you will read my blog but whatever! i was touched by your small gestures!

worst pick up line EVER!

2008-05-12T20:31:00.005+08:00

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. " - 2 Cor 12:9-10

Trust God to give you the strength and wisdom you need, and He will develop your weak areas and work through your attempts to be faithful. If you ignore or deny your weaknesses, on the other hand, you are also denying God, the opportunity to work in you.

someone told me this before, i happily typed it in my laptop but never bothered to read it.. but few days back, i saw it again when i was deleting some unwanted stuff in my laptop! this time when i read it, it MEANT something to me.. something close to my heart... something that divine mentor revealed to me.. basically divine mentor answered my question la! i was just asking... "why me, God? im so ugly lo.. ive got soo many weaknesses... and im just not worthy of You.." and when i chanced upon this, al i can say is THANKS DIVINE MENTOR! =) ill keep it close to my heart, ive not come out of all these yet, i still struggle.. BUT, i trust YOU to do that deeper work in me!

something less spiritual, something you guys can kinda laugh about! haha.. this is the worst pick up line ive ever heard! ok la, not that ive heard of many pick up lines, but seriously, this is the worst ive ever heard la! ill not mention names... hehe! guess it yourself YO!

guy: are you guys good in finance? i mean biz finance..
girl no1: huh? eh, not really.. why?
guy: oh, just need some help, i know nuts about finance.. can you teach me?
girl no2: why dont you ask the lecturer instead, im sure she is way better than us..
guy: she is not free... *pause here a moment, feel like telling him, do you think we are free?*
girl no3: errr, haha.. well, if u really want us to help, i think we can..
guy: i dont need 3 girls to teach me..
*there was a moment of silence*
girls: oh ok... so what?
*guy takes out his phone, wanting to get the number..*
guy: whats your number? so i can contact you...

PENG SAN!!! wah lau, seriously.. WORST PICK UP LINE EVER! GET A LIFE BOY!!! oh sorry, is... GET A LIFE, YOU UGLY BOY! cmon la, knw your limits la! wah lau... ewww!!!!!! and srsly, your pick up line is the worst ive ever heard, i hope you dont use it on other girls.... gugu boy!

fb and ray, thanks for saying that to me. im really honored and yes i will continue running yo! =) LOVE YA TWO FREAKKS! =)

.........

2008-05-08T00:26:00.005+08:00

i spent almost every moment reasoning with myself since that day.. sometimes i get soo angry with myself after reasoning..! grrrr! i reason and i reason and i reason..... there is no end to my reasonings... i kept on reasoning and reasoning.. but each time i finish one reasoning.. another issue comes up for me to reason... how tired i am.. VERY... and i still needa reason with myself...

its kinda psychotic to see how much i spend time reasoning with myself.. i fear.. with the amount of time i spend reasoning with myself... it shows only one thing.. ive got alot of work to with myself.. alot alot.. im afraid im really not up to it... i wanted to give up .. i was already tired after day 1 of reasonings... and a text came to ask me out for a chat.. and that chat... made me carry on up til now.. im still afraid im not up to it.. i cannot do all this lo.. i really cannot do this.. there is this thought that keeps coming to my mind.. "why not just drop everything and turn away.. disappear.... ?" i tried reasoning this thought... but i couldnt fight my way through.. its too strong for me to handle.. i really dont know... am i tempted to just disappear and drop everything.. yes, VERY VERY tempted.. but that only shows one thing... im a coward... actually i am...

it took me really long to come to a decision.. i struggled so much.. u knw like.. my heart says dont do it.. but my mind says do it.. and i hafta do what my mind thinks.. simply because my heart is very much guided by emotions.. if im going to do what i FEEL like doing.. ill prolly end up in another bottomless pit.. but, i reasoned alot with myself... i dont want to do it... i really dont want lo... but the more sensible part of me insists that i must do it... im very reluctant even up til now.. i wna back out on my own decision.. but i cant.... and again, i really dont want to do it... =(

i think im ready to face my consequences on friday..

and btw, thanks sab! that day, it was His timing that u called me out! i appreciate it ALOT!! really alot!! =D

she cries and found peace.

2008-05-05T10:51:00.003+08:00

before i slept last night, i knelt down before the Lord and just cried out.. i told Him i closed that door of blessings with my own hands.. i rejected that blessing with my own words and actions.. i asked Him to help me to get out of this.. i dont know how to.. i know i got to change... for the better... but i really dont know how to... before i could continue whatever i wanted to tell Him.... this song came to me...

You are the peace that guards my heart
my help in times of need
You are the hope that leads me on
and brings me to my knees

for there i find You waiting
and there i find release
so with all my heart, ill worship
and unto You ill sing

For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father i worship and adore You
Father i long to see Your face
For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father i love You and i worship You this day..

You may have bomb out this time real big.. but my daughter... nothing is impossible for Me.. trust and commit to me... You will find rest in me..

thanks DADDY! i will continue seeking Your face.. guide me Lord...

"its alright..."

2008-05-02T01:00:00.006+08:00

Had fun and... the taufiq guy, i think he's kinda cute :P even though he thinks im frigging 24, gugu guy! and thanks maine! it was a good chat... =)

--------------------------------

"when you seek acceptance from man, you are opening yourself to the rejection of man.." ouch.. often its the one closer to you/at least you treat them really nice that rejects you.. here i am not talking about literally rejection like how Jesus was rejected.. there are really many forms of rejection to take on.. simple thing like.. "hey, wna hang out?" and the answer is "nah... im not free.." this also can be rejection.. then again, it really really depends.. two options here... either you choose to think that he/she is really busy or you think that person just dont wanna hang out with you.. and if you choose to take on the second option, what i can foresee is.. you will constantly think of the times when that person reject you instead of the good moments you both had when hanging out.. as it slowly gets to you, you will just keep hving negatives thoughts like FOREVER... which is.. really not very good spiritually..

seeking acceptance means you will do things to please that individual you're trying to seek acceptance.. this is when the bible says "you cannot serve two masters.." i am not saying you live a life of your own, not thinking of how others think of you, good or bad.. you just simply ignore others.. thats not what i mean.. what im driving at is.. who is the one you are really seeking acceptance?? who is your source of acceptance?? for example, time and time again you keep trying to seek acceptance from this someone... you do anything to please him/her.. but at the end of the day, you realised.. hey.. he/she is not appreciating whatever i am doing! then you once again feel rejected by this person.. see, when i talk about seeking acceptance, its not like that person is an idol in your heart, its more like... wanting him/her to acknowledge you, to appreciate you.. to love you and stuff...

and seriously, i just learn this today.. in fact its machiam God saying this to me.. "eh arlow.. who are you trying to please ah? me or her?/me or him? can you not see things u done for him/her is not appreciated.. he/she is a human afterall.. here I am, your Almighty Father has already accepted you, why open yourself to rejection of man?" but then, being me.. i still argue back with Him.. "easy to say Daddy, not easy to do.. well, maybe i wasnt trying to please her but for sure im trying to seek acceptance from her... " and this came real strong on me... "if her acceptance builds you up, her rejection will devastate you.." right there, i prayed and asked Him for forgiveness.. cos ive look to the wrong source of acceptance.. its because i have experienced that devastation before.. i knew what God was telling me.. but then again, it is NOT easy at all!! like what sashi said.. it really isnt about her.. its the area in my life, that im am really struggling quite a fair bit.. but would wanna come out of it VICTORIOUSLY..

this past one week... God was really dealing with me.. and no, change doesnt come overnight.. i stress that again, CHANGE DOESNT COME OVERNIGHT..! you guys may think. shuai is still the same, a leopard never changes its spot.. arlow, im not a leopard, im a horse, stupid.. this past whole week, esp the past few days.. it was really a period where i constantly have to yield to the work of the Holy Spirit, listening to what He has to do in my life.. i did what Ps Jean told me to do.. and.. i am seeing what God is telling me.. this particular areas in my life .. it can either be a hindrance or a stepping stone.. its really my choice whether i am going to continue letting my insecurities get the better of me. i mean, so what she dont talk to me.. i hafta learn to say... its alright... so what she dont care anymore? its alright.. so what we dont go out anymore..? its alright.. so what im really less impt than the other person? its alright.. so what im shoved aside...? its alright.. so what she cares for that person more..? its alright...

"its alright.." this two words are not easy to say in such situation.. as much as i dont want to say it.. cos its really NOT alright.. but at the end of the day.. again i needa ask myself.. "who are you seeking acceptance from?" if one day suddenly everything goes back to how it was before... GOOD! praise God for that! if not, i just hafta move on lo.. its hard.. very hard, cos i miss the old times.. but... i really just hafta learn.... not to let my insecurities get the better of me... really... and i pray that Holy Spirit do that work in me! im learning to say.. "Jesus plus nothing else.."

but, thanks for the bbq today. =) and im sorry for everything.. i want this and i want it badly.. ill do anything to make it up.. whether if its accepted or not, ill leave it to God and you.. but trust me, i want this badly and ya... i miss the old times and please, anything ill do..

Colossians 3:23

2008-04-03T12:41:00.009+08:00

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.." - Col 3:23

A reminder to me as to who am i doing for... all that i've been doing.. who am i doing it for? yes, i do it with all my heart, but to who? my calling is to turn my place in life into a place of true worship.. to do whatever i do in a way that reflect God's heart to those around me.. all these while, He has been trying to tell me this simple truth.. yet time and time again, i play ignorance with Him.. sorry DADDY!

my love language... so interesting to see my primary love language is actually spending time with my close friends.. its just sooo true, many times i feel not being appreciated.. how the way my close friends treat me is just so not my style.. but i guess thats just because they have a different love language.. haha! its for me to learn to accommodate and understand their love language.. hehe!

samantha is SUCHA PIG.. its already 12.51pm.. and she is still sleeping, ZOMG!

Voice of Truth says.. "Do not be afraid, this is for My glory.."

thank you!! =) appreciate it HEAPPPPPZZZ~!!!! and i wanna play with the manual gear again, quite fun ah!

it was a fruitful chat with Ps wilson.. its amazing how God reveal things to Ps wilson... and see how things link.. i just have one thing to say.. "God, You just proven Yourself to me.. what else can i say?" =)

POPEYE-ed WITH MY LOVE LOVE!!

more like a cam whoring session.. hahaa...... i wanna go eat popeye again!!!!

........ dots ....... dots..........

2008-03-31T02:27:00.006+08:00

i'm at a lost..

for two nights i didnt sleep.. for two night i was thinking..

thinking about the worship set.. thinking about the group discussion.. thinking about the review.. thinking if i should follow up on Sarah.. thinking why on earth will someone who don't know me at all hate me to the core.. thinking about my walk with God.. thinking about the hard time i am having at home.. thinking about how much my mother hates me.. thinking about how can my family exclude me when they go for holidays.. thinking about my role in the worship team.. thinking who will answer my call at 4ish in the morning.. thinking about the friendship..

tears just kept flowing, i wanted to call someone but its way too weird to call anyone at that time, but to call that name, Jesus.. i dont know what else to pray except calling on His name.. and literally wail..

i felt so useless when i came to know that i am of no help to sarah.. i felt like a retard when i just randomly asked sarah at the BBQ, hows everything and she told me something that hit me so badly.. i felt so alone at the BBQ except when min talked to me.. i felt like burying myself in a hole when the clique appeared at the BBQ.. i felt like no one cares if i exist or not except God.. i felt like there is nothing i can do to make things be like how it used to be.. i am just like the outcast of the NG family..

speaking so much about love, i dont find it at home.. i dont find it when i am with my friends.. but, thank God for His assurance at both morning services.. to run into His arms of love..

i am taking things positively.. its just i cant keep crying every night... i dont want to cry also! God i acknowledge my weakness.. i am down.. i am really down this time.. help me to cast my cares unto You.. its too heavy.. i cant carry them..

jealousy.

2008-03-26T01:56:00.003+08:00

"you have all the right to be jealous mao... " it got me thinking.. honestly, what right do i have actually? no rights, absolutely no right to be jealous.. in fact, what am i jealous about? then i asked myself... "who do you think you are competing against this time..? that person! the one whom everyone loves.. "are you really competing with that person??" *silent moment*

its not like the past anymore.. and i hate the present.. i dont like it at all!

fart, do u even care?

His Love

2008-03-22T12:18:00.005+08:00

wanna share my conviction with you all. *it might be a long one tho :P*

for umpteen times over the pulpit, we heard messages about His love, His unfailing love, His boundless love, His love.. i find myself guilty of taking it for granted many a times.. i realised when His love is preached over and over again, some just totally took it for granted.. took His love for granted, like as tho He should love me thats why He died on that cross.. but has it ever occur to anyone of us that.. its more than His love.. its more than the resurrection.. its more than Him dying on that cross.. its more than that! He did His part by loving us and dying on that cross for us.. have we done our part?

so often, i get caught in the situation where i find myself asking Him.. "You love me, so You wont let it happen to me!" but the very fact is, because He loves me, He will let it happen so that i can grow in Him and ultimately giving Him the glory He deserves! sometimes, we simply took the fact that since He said in His word in John 3:16, then He will continue to love us.. no doubt, yes.. He will love us like forever no matter what we did as long as we are repentant.. but, has it ever occur to you how hard it must have been for Him seated up there, seeing hw we take His love for granted but still He loves us? zomg, that sounds very ridiculous.. we hurt Him yet He still love us? like what Ps Bea said in that illustrated sermon, Jesus was found guilty for the most ridiculous thing.. which is loving us! anything that is more absurd than that would be us not accepting His love and all He has for us!

enough of one sided expectations in our r/s w God.. enough of "me me me" attitude.. enough of "You love me, so You wont let it hapen to me" .. its about time.. its about time to start giving Him the praise and worship He deserves! its time to say "cos You first loved me, ill love you!".. its time to rise up and do His works! and its time for us to do our part! do our part in remembrance of His Love for us.. do our part in giving Him the glory and honour He deserves!

its funny to see how everyone view Good Friday unanimously.. HIS LOVE... man.. God just showed me a total different thing when i sat there and watched the play.. and its amazing that my view is a total different turn from the rest.. it wasnt just about His love.. when Judas betrayed Jesus, it totally served as a reminder to me.. Judas, one of Jesus' disciples.. he betrayed Jesus with a kiss! damn, a kiss was all it took and Jesus was captured.. a gentle kiss that means betrayal.. sad? YES, of course! zomg, wad a betrayal! i sat there and i told Him, "i wont make a promise like what Judas and the rest of the disciples did, Jesus we will die for you! but Holy Spirit, help me to be aware.. i dont want to betray You with the things of the world.." yes, His love is like the thrust of this whole Good Friday thing.. but, as usual, i dont really love looking at big picture... haha! gimme details man!

-----------------------------
no doubt i still compare.. no doubt it bothers me when i see how you minister to different ones but seems like not to me.. no doubt it bothers me how easily you can start a conversation w others but not me.. but at the end of the day, i guess ive learned to take it easy, breathe in and out saying, "ok shu ai, whats so bad about tt?" cos the truth is.. there is nothing bad about the actions.. its just how i feel and.. something which i hafta learn.. and boy, i gotta learn fast! zomg, i am NOT emoing.. *man, ppl... im not that of an emo person aite!*

one individual said this to me "at the end of the day, i made a choice to forgive and forget and move on!" i have a choice to make.. its either i choose to dwell in the past OR i forgive and forget and move on! well, the better choice is pretty obvious after looking at the pros and cons of each choice.. easy? no.. not at all.. how long will it take for me to do that? i seriously have no idea.. but, since i made that choice, i hafta stick close to it! haha... ill stick to it till God makes it happen! wad comforted me the most was.. someone actually kept me in her prayers consistently, and its very very much appreciated! =) *ok, i hope i didnt interpret your words wrongly la!*

what's so bad?

2008-03-21T22:28:00.004+08:00

"so what's so bad about not being her close friend?"

"we are slaves to whom who we obey"

"examine the power that dominates you"

"you are not competing with anyone"

"might as well enjoy the time spent together..."

all these were said to me somewhere in the week... thinking time yo!

Power in Your Name

2008-03-17T12:56:00.004+08:00

Isn't there something beautiful
when you call out that name?
Isn't there power amazing
when in unity we say
Jesus, Your love upon that hill
means we are saved
Jesus, there is power in Your Name

Majesty, power and love
Holiness, peace from above
With me in mind
Lord, You took the blame
Jesus, there is power in Your name

There is power in the blood
No more sin and shame
they're gone in Jesus' name
There is power in the blood
and that power lives in me!

really? is it true that something will be beautiful when i call on the name of Jesus.. i have millions of questions in my mind.. i have millions of knives stabbed right at my heart.. calling on the name of Jesus will remove this hurt and answer the questions? if that exact same power rose Christ from the death, Lord.. help me to believe this exact power that lives in me will bring me through all these..

i got no more strength to do this anymore.. Lord, i need Your strength.. Your comfort.. and Your assurance.. Your wisdom.. Your way of how i should deal it..

i wanna give up on everything right now.. every single thing.. every single one..

it hurts.. it crushed me totally.. i cant seem to pick up any pieces...

i laughed at jerome for being insecure... what an idiot i was.. cos now i am the one feeling insecure.. retarded..

sounds like fcuking bull to me..

2008-03-11T21:27:00.007+08:00

when i dont want a getaway, my cousin was so enthu about getting out of my country to meet her.. when i frigging need a damn getaway, she just hafta MIA me.. fart..

"how much this friendship means to you....?"

"caring requires alot of hardwork"
"caring sometimes might drain your emotions"

if caring and seeking the highest good for someone i am close to is already so hard... how much harder is it for me to care and seek the highest good for someone i dislike, let alone love.. if my actions are always misinterpreted, how much more will i wanna continue doing those stuff? if most of the msn conversations always turn out to be like that, how much more will i wanna chat on msn? if i am forever not convinced, how much more will you be able to take time to convince me?

i asked myself where do i think i stand? "sadly, shuai... you're last... " seems like nothing i do will ever work.. and perhaps this is why i became "fierce" when we chat on msn, when we talk.. to think that i am standin at the last position sucks more than anything else.. even as i read through every single conversation log with you since then, every entry since then.. all i got was.. "sadly, shuai... you're last..." the next question was.. "then, why still bother doing so much?" seems like i will never able to let go.. seems like i just wanna continue doing stuff for her.. beyond the anger, at the bottom, its.... worry.. at the end of the day, "is it worth it for all you've done up till this point of time?" perhaps, its time to stop all expectations.. maybe then.. ill learn to say.. "whats the big fuss?" think i gotta let loose a little... things might get better...

i just feel like a substitute..

i asked myself that exact question how much i want this friendship and how far am i willing to go for this friendship... it was like.... silence.. ive got no answers to both questions.. ok, perhaps i have the answers.. but im scared.. im scared my answers are one sided.. i scared it is just a wishful thought.. im scared of disappointment.. most importantly, im scared of losing it, losing you.... *sounds quite gay, oops!*

perhaps its about time to give serious thoughts about this friendship.. how can a friendship go through literally series of issues for close to 5 months? it must be something which ive failed to do or youve failed to do or we both failed to do.. just when i thought things are turning out for the better, another issue arises.. what is it that ive not done, Lord...? and i got it, perhaps, i just needa commit this friendship to the Lord..

friendships dont come by easily, good friends dont come by that easily too.. perhaps that is why im still holding on.. despite of all the issues, i think its time i should trust the Lord for a change in this friendship.. a change for good..

and... i really wanted to talk to you....

ok, this post is really very very gayish... its for the good of you if you aint those who can take such stuff.. haha! cant believe im so gay.. eww! just to lighten up the atmosphere abit, NO.. i am not emoing... dumb!

THESE TWO LIL SWEETIES ARE TOTALLY ADORABLE!! =D

this fella here.... great potential man...
brought to you by, DARIUS PHANG! the future great photographer =)

darlene: "jie jie shu ai, where you go just now? cannot find you..."
me: "im here now *smiles*"

my heart just melted when she said that... idk why.. but... pure innocence just makes you feel so much happier!

im still a fucking loser...

2008-03-09T00:00:00.003+08:00

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us."

i apologize for my previous post, the repeated word that i kept using.. i failed to understand the comfort that i have in God.. i allowed my anger to overwhelm me until i lost it.. totally lose it.. i could have phrased my words better..

this two verses kept me hanging on in giving her the comfort as much as i was pissed.. guess He is teaching me about anger management or something? but one thing for sure, He is definitely teaching me something.. hopefully i learn it well this time!

talking about changes... this year has been quite a turn for me.. with the new implementation of carecell, what more i m one CCL.. to be honest, i was caught off guard.. in the midst of all the shyt i was going through, i was given a letter to inform me about the CCL.. God knows how much i struggled.. right up till now, i have doubts about myself... if i could really make it.. i am really struggling alot alot alot alot alot... i dont know who to go to.. i dont know how to minister to my group members when their doors to me are shut tight... on top of that, to see some of them running back to their previous group leaders... i had nothing to say but hate myself for being such an unfriendly leader, as if they never dare to approach me... i really have no clue about caring for them... as the date of the launch is approaching, im scared... i kept hearing "give up shu ai.." but... the voice of truth says "this is for My glory" help me Lord...

oh fart, shu ai is still a loser....!

destined to worship

2008-03-05T00:07:00.001+08:00

1 Peter 2:9

"But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light."

what an awesome privilege to be His chosen people, royal priests and a holy nation esp God's very own possession! its just like im created to worship Him!!! i am destined to worship because that is one of the primary activities in heaven! there is just so much more i can describe about worshipping God, but when it comes to worship God, as limited as my words can be, THANK GOD for the Holy Spirit :> His love totally amazes me! it blows my mind to even try to comprehend His love... all i knw i am compelled to worship Him, and i definitely delight in worshipping the Creator of the universe! :>

God is seeking for true worshipers, and i definitely wanna be found by Him as a true worshiper. one who worship Him in spirit and in truth. of course i do struggle sometimes when situation arises and i fail to put it at the feet of Jesus.. but i guess its something that i am working towards to... its not easy at all to really surrender everything to God esp in times of "troubles" and purely fix my eyes on Him.. but, im definitely working towards it! afterall, He is a loving God!

P.S. stayover at sam's house can be....... DANGEROUS AND FUN YO!

ok, im really bored!

2008-02-29T09:11:00.005+08:00

SUPERSTAR!!! its just an internal joke, right FB?? hehehe!

Proverbs 17:9

2008-02-21T05:03:00.010+08:00

Proverbs 17:9 (NASB)
He who conceals a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.

this verse reminded me of forgiving and forgetting.. so many strange stuff have happened the past month.. things that i will probably remember for life! but when i read this particular verse, BAM! The way to preserve peace is to make the best of every thing; not to notice what has been said or done against ourselves. this was what i got after reading the commentaries online.. like literally telling me, dont ever mention to ms-thinks-she-is-impt about the past incidents ever again! and yes DADDY, i am obeying you! =) i will choose to forget, ive already forgiven! i will make every effort to make the best of everything! form this day on, 21 Feb 2008.. no more mention about what happened in January! with DADDY's help, i will make every effort to make the best of everything! =D

IN MEMORY OF US!

friday is the last day of year 1 in NYP... WAILS!! i dont wanna leave them!!! i wanna stay with them until i graduate from NYP!!! as i remember how we all came together as one big family, you guys are my heart's content! i am just so glad that i know them as friends.. and some of them, i think i can confide in them! =D i will always remember them like forever! LOVE YOU PEEPS!!!

my heart's content too! and... i LOVE THEM TO BITS!!! =D amy is going to kill me when she sees this.. oh well, its on her friendster.. dont blame me for grabbing it yo!! wahahhaa... ok la, she dont look tt retarded.. OOPS!

...... and i am not being oblivious to my other friends......

outta my comfort zone

2008-02-16T17:05:00.005+08:00

i remembered amy shared her FIRST message to us.. outta my comfort zone, to be stretched like a rubber band... *does anyone remember that message???*'

all these while, im just so comfy... i never bothered who is around me as long as i am with people that i comfortable with.. i will happily only talk to people i am comfy with.. i will happily sit with people that i am comfy with... my world revolved around my close friends and i... haha! and i really enjoy being with people im comfy with!

not til now.. that i am appointed as a care cell leader.. i am reminded to be aware of my group members.. im forced to go up to them and initiate conversations.. in a good way of course! =) it really really stretched me ALOT... im never someone who initiates talks.. thats why im never in the usher ministry.. WAHAHA! im not a friendly person yo! hehe... but i believe God has placed me in where i am today for a purpose.. as much as i am very very very uncomfortable.. i will allow God to stretch me! have Your way yo! =D

as the clock ticks... my heart beats faster each time one second passed.. God knws how nervous i was! this is like THE FIRST TIME leading this new group as their leader! i was afraid that they won't enjoy themselves.. i was afraid that i wont do a good job... but when Ps Wilson said.. "ok, CCL stand up pls!" hahaha... BAM! THAT WAS IT! i knew i have to put aside all my fears and make my members feel comfy! of course i stumbled a little but thank God! we as a group pulled through! =)

im a tough nut to crack, but this nut will crack eventually. when? wobuzhidao.. but it will yo! this nut will do anything to protect the friendship.. ms tough nut does not expect anything out of the friendship.. if ms tough nut gets nothing out of this frienship, its really fine.. ms tough nut will continue to give and bless ms-thinks-she-is-impt in anyway she knows how to by God's grace.. ms tough nut apologize for telling mr Casanova about the dream and allowing him judge ms-thinks-she-is-impt.. ms tough nut is sorry for not defending ms-thinks-she-is-impt enough when mr Casanova rattled on.. but ms tough nut sincerely ask for ms-thinks-she-is-impt's forgiveness! ms-thinks-she-is-impt is right.. ms tough nut must guard herself and she will be careful to who she talks to in future.. sorry ms-thinks-she-is-impt!

am i making any sense with all the anonymity? LOL!

even though my mike wasnt working initially, i thank God still! when i looked back and thought for a moment.. HMMM, God was really helping me yo! by right... i would have totally freaked out! but, i continued... yes, i kept looking at amy cos who else i look to sial! besides, she's my mentor... *BLEAH* but, my backups! lovely humans! BACKED UP ME =D.. like, i didnt freak out lo!!it was really God! who gave me the peace... =D thanks BIG DADDY!! im glad God was there! and.. i reached out like the woman with the issue of blood and touched Him! it felt great!

i hate that blog!!!!!! i've blacklisted that blog!! lame, i hate it.. but i kept reading it.. *why ah?* am i jealous?? YES! but i really dislike what mr Casanova did! he totally lived up to that name yo! mr casanova asked me to trust him and not the blog... but sorry, you broke that trust bridge... ill make no efforts to mend it back! sorry, say im heartless to you, but ive been selfless since i knew you 4 years back... this time.. im fighting for my own! you'll still be my friend.. but im aint your buddy anymore.. take care mr Casanova.. ill actually miss the crazy things we did.. but oh well...

YAY!

2008-02-10T18:02:00.001+08:00

Saturday's gathering

we met at yishun gym at 11.. all were working out including myself! =) GREAT WORKOUT!! simply love my gym mates! went home and took a nice shower.. took a cab to ling's house and.. STEAMBOAT!!! hahaha... NICE FOOD YO!! played blackjack later... HAHAHA!! and had some internal jokes about georgina and some angmoh.. haha!!! watched CJ 7.. *ITS A NICE SHOW YO!* and i ate frog leg jook! for the first time in my entire life.. its soooo.. NOT NICE! *pukes pukes* went to some park and played childhood games.. I ENJOYED! =) thanks ling for hosting this mini gathering yo! LOVE YOU!!! and pls study for exams ok???

they are such lovely bunch of friends...
they never fail to make me laugh...
i will really miss them loads!!
brought me great memories!!
LOVE YOU PPL!! =D

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three weeks ago... due to certain things.. i started not eating... and started workin out like madness! and... three weeks later... 5KG DOWN! i know it doesnt seem like it.. but i really did yo!!!! *dances dances* at least, franky, my mum's friends and myself knows it! =) im gonna work my arse off this holiday to achieve my goal!!! hehehehehee...

im trying yo!

2008-02-08T01:10:00.000+08:00

im scared BIG DADDY...

i had a very very very bad dream two days ago... myself having a quarrel with amy and we never became friends again... we quarreled about this particular someone and amy gave me up as a friend for that particular someone.. and i ended up leaving church..CRAP SHIT! i sooo dont want that to happen!!! =(

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mum's friend: WAH! zhang da liao, you nan peng you le hor??!!
me: HUH?
mum's friend: ni mei tian bu zhai zia, bu shi gen nan peng you cu qu meh??
me: HUH?!? wo mei you nan peng you la!
mum's friend: jiang mei, mei you nan peng you meh??
me: -.- wo zhen de mei you nan peng you!

*i left the living room awkwardly*

I CANT BELIEVE MY MUM TOLD HER FRIEND I'M ATTACHED.!!! stupid...

2008-02-03T02:08:00.000+08:00

before i say anything... SPECIAL THANKS to..... min, derek and ZQ! =) oh, and Ps Wilson...

humbled... really humbled... everything that has happened in the past weeks... it just brought me to a stage where i really have to humble myself and be the one to ask for forgiveness.. before Ps Wilson even preached about being humble, God has already dropped that word into my heart on thursday morning... initially when this word just came to me, it was... weird.. it was like.. ehhh, why on earth i have this word in mind?!?! so i actually spent some time thinking what on earth was that all about.. and.. THANK GOD i managed to pieced it up all together!!! =)

Matthew 18:1-6 (NASB)
At that time the disciples came to Jesus and said, "Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. "Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. "And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

*REVELATION MOMENT* what spoke to me the most was to be a child, teachable and humble.. as i grow older, sorry seems to be a much harder word to say.. its often easier to run away from everything but i realised that it might help for that moment, but eventually i have to face it! i was running from my situation.. but i ran back to the starting point again.. haha! that was where i realised, i need to stay sober and tab onto God for strength and divine wisdom.. to humble myself was HARD... but by God's grace, somehow i humbled myself and.. He is in control!

i came to a point where i learn not to read into ppl's actions and continue reading and BOOM! that was what happened... moral of the story.. after reading into ppl's actions... OPEN THE GOLDEN MOUTH AND TALK.. wahaha! something that i struggle alot.. something which i just hafta rely on God for His power to help me.. i guess the amazing part of moulding period is that when i passed it and look back, i just see how much i have grown spiritually and the good news is.. there is part 2 , part 3 and more to come until DADDY decided that its time for shu ai to go Home.. at the end of the day.. if i pass this, that is all that matters! that i have passed the test and level up! even if i failed, He stretches out His hands and pull me up, make sure i will pass eventually.. thats the amazing part, He never gives up! others may... but He remains faithful even when i fail Him..

i was just reading the book of Mark and read about the Parable of the Sower and Soils. at the end of it, what i told DADDY was... i want to be the seed that fell on the fertile ground that grew up and increased, they yielded a crop and produced thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold.. i want to hear His word and accept it so that i bear fruits, thirty, sixty or a hundredfold.. whatever test that may come along, i will gladly accept it and pass it with the grace of God! =)

humbled

2008-01-31T23:17:00.000+08:00

alright, something for you people to laugh at me yo!

me: sorry! *cos i almost knocked that BOY while on the bus!*
boy: its ok *giving me that weird smile*
me: *ignores him*
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there were two seats available...

boy: *taps my shoulder* u want to sit?
me: *awkward smile and rejected him*
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weird thing is.... he was staring at me throughout the whole journey and waved goodbye to me when he got off.. *FAINTS* im freaked out.. for one, i am NOT into young boys... oh my gosh!

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year 1 is ending soon...

i will miss the times we sit down and crap..
i will miss the times when we all celebrate each others' birthday..
i will miss the times when we scold badri...
i will miss the times when we make fun of people around us...
i will miss the times when we got bored and start camwhoring
i will miss the times when we sit at the train station and chat..
i will miss the times when we go to swensens and chat..

MOST IMPORTANTLY, i will miss my 7 girls!!! =(