stuff.

no words can describe how I've been feeling all these while. even talking to Min doesn't reveal my actual feelings, if i can't even explain how i feel then how can i ever speak to anyone about my real feelings? 

I've been thinking.. do i really have a stinky character, I've been wondering.. all these while, what have I done/what have I not done to be where I am. Having Cassandra around for the two weeks in March steered me away a little, kept me happier a little.. knowing that I'll be heading to Seattle makes me happier a little.. but when all these fade away, when she returned back.. I was back to square one again.. cycles after cycles.. I got tired.. my heart got hardened towards God and those who claimed to be Christians.. Started having headaches.. falling sick very frequently.. almost thought I've got brain tumor..

Deep in my heart.. i just needed a miracle.. i just needed a breakthrough from above.. I was not ok, I was just suppressing everything within me..

Not till 22 April, keeping my promise to Amy that I'll be there for every presentation by Trinity (knowing one day, I'll be seated there watching THE presentation she directed!) God broke the walls built around my heart.. i broke into tears when I heard the message by Ps Sabrina, simple message on the love of God - His love saves, His love heals and His love transforms.. there and then, I told God, yes.. You did it all for me, no way I'm gonna throw away the good work You've started.. but I just didnt know what to do from then on...

but whatever it is... Im still trapped.. Im still in the cycle... Im bogged down by work, by my screwed up family and all the issues of my heart.. the only thing I'm looking forward is.. my own retreat this weekend...just me and God.. just me and me only.. (hopefully i dont get robbed and die there, i still wanna attend Amy's and Cassandra's wedding!)